Traffic Jams All Part of Sinister Master Plan – Investigative Journalism 102

A spokesperson for the “Look For Conspiracies Everywhere Organization” (LFCEO) has confirmed speculation about the cause of traffic jams on Ontario’s 400-series highways yesterday in a news conference at “Bob’s Slug & Jug” tavern on Bloor Street West (“Home of the 428 oz Draught!”) in Toronto.

“Months of investigation involving the Ministry of Transportation, the major auto makers and their parts suppliers and the petroleum industry have revealed some stunning information. There has been a vast web of deceit and lies concerning the origin of the ongoing traffic problems on major highways in Ontario. Apparently it all boils down to one man; Gary “Buck” Sabic Jr, aged 43.”

When contacted, Mr. Sabic could only offer “No comment”.

Reviewing accident and congestion data from M.T.O. cameras situated on Highways 400, 401, 403, 404, 407, 409, 410 and 427 over a period of 18 months revealed a dirty white Toyota Corolla hatchback approximately 15 years old, rust holes over the right rear fender and red sheathing tape replacing the right rear tail light. When covert LFCEO operatives trailed Mr. Sabic on his travels it was revealed that “Mr. Sabic drives slowly in the left lane, frequently brakes for no discernable reason, talks on his cell phone while changing lanes and not using his turn indicator and other disruptive acts.”

When police raided Mr. Sabics’ house in Richmond Hill it was discovered that he had been “living beyond his means.” For a “between assignments” street-sweeping machine mechanic he had a 4000 square foot house on a quiet court. He, his wife and 4 kids had a lavish lifestyle. Forensic audits of his finances revealed a series of cheques from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Toyota, Imperial Oil, Sun Oil Company, British Petroleum, Shell Oil Company and literally dozens of parts manufacturers. Most cheques were valued between $5000 and $25000 each but a few were valued at over $100000. The memo field on almost all of these was marked “for services rendered in the cause.”

Further investigation into Sabic turned up evidence that he had been working covertly for the aforementioned companies in a “1 man wave of vehicular terror.” Given his close proximity to highway 407, Sabic was able to gain access to 407, 400, 401, 404 and 409 and drive a “circuit of terror.” He would head westbound on 407, south on 400 to westbound 401, up the 409 to 427, down the 427 to the Gardiner Expressway. Depending on his mood he would either swing west down the QEW or east along the Gardiner to the Don Valley Parkway/404 combination. He would go north on this or the 403 to the 401 and complete the circuit. Depending on when he woke up and “had his morning constitutional” he could do this circuit between 3 and 5 times a day, with frequent stops for donuts.

“Highway 401 in the GTAA has been renowned the world over as “asinine” for decades and Mr. Sabic is the cause, pure and simple. His driving tactics cause over-usage of gas, faster wear on brake pads and rotors, more money for collision repair companies and faster turn-around times for new car buyers. By generating this income for those companies he has been able to live very comfortably. Cousin Vince Sabic is being investigated for traffic congestion in the Ottawa area (Hwy 417) as is Bjorn Sabic similarly in St Catherines (Hwy 406).”

Mr. Sabic has been charged with “Felony Conspiracy-Cause Driving” and “Unlawful Use of Hand Gestures While Driving”.