March 18th, WASHINGTON - In a shocking turn of events, the United States of America have confirmed that they will tear up the Treaty of Ghent that ended the War of 1812, signed late in 1814. The impetus for such an about face with regard to Upper Canadian/American relations is unclear, but the revelation was confirmed late Thursday by the White House.
US Secretary of State Biff Hooper issued a brief statement Tuesday afternoon from the White House press room but refused to respond to questions from the gallery, saying only "we'll have more for you soon". He muttered something about "damn redcoats" but wouldn't elaborate when pressed.
The Yanks have apparently begun exploring other war options in preparation for the eventual end of the Iraqi conflict, and with Cuba and Madagascar gearing up to take the lead on Iran, the US seems intent on finding another conflict now rather than missing out on the chance to dance with Upper Canada later.
The timing may pay dividends domestically, as Upper Canada has been strutting about on a trade dispute winning streak of late. Subsidized American industries who have noticed this NAFTA failure are not happy and this may strike a chord with them.
Upper Canada has not shied from the challenge, and appear ready to receive the US with closed fists.
MARCH 19th, WASHINGTON - A late announcement from the US has confirmed War was officially pre-declared earlier today by the United States of America on the English settlements in North America, known as Upper Canada. Hostilities are to commence in June 2012, to coincide with the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812.
UPDATE: Refreshments and muffins will be available at the opening ceremonies.
March 19th, OTTAWA - In an effort to drum up support north of the 49th parallel , Upper Canada has been banging the drums with some provocative moves in preparation for the war 6 years from now. Warming to this yonder challenge from the south, the feisty Upper Canadian ambassador to the USA, Sir Jocko Thomas, has offered up some incentives to rekindle the feelings of 1812-1814.
First, Sir Thomas has offered to burn down and loot our own city of Toronto (York) if the US will agree to burn down the White House again. Evening up the score for Upper Canada will be our repossession of Fort Niagara at Lake Erie. Thomas was apparently able to easily convince his American counterpart that we were just going to take it again anyway so to give it up now would save us all some time and the irritation of a siege.
Secondly, sensing a future weakness in the American military from years of war in Iraq, he was able to finagle an agreement to fight only with .22's and deer rifles and any sticks that may be available. The American capitulation was surprising, and this appears to have been a real coup on Sir Thomas' part. By halting our softwood lumber exports in 2010, we'll have a fort-load of sticks ready for the war effort. Good work Jocko!
Thirdly, Mr. Thomas was able to whip up anti-American sentiment amongst the Six Nations. Payment to the native Upper Canadians for their support will consist of six barrels of Hudson Bay Company point blankets, forty four cases of Newfie Screech, 18 months exclusive trapping rights at the mouth of the Humber River, a $100 Blockbuster video rental credit (taxes in), and "all territories draining into Hudson and James Bays". We also have to babysit for Graham Greene on 7 days of his choosing as long as we get two nights advance warning. A rock-solid treaty has already been signed.
March 20th, LONDON - Stirred by the glacially imminent fight with the USA, England has gently but firmly rolled their support behind Upper Canada for the war in the new world. Anticipating a lull in conflicts after Iraq winds down, and feeling just a little bit guilty about those subs they sold us, they have agreed to send troops and sticks starting the third week of April, 2012. They have assured us that they'll stay as long as necessary or until late 2014 - whichever is first.
UPDATE: They have also increased the service contract on labour (but not parts) for the subs for 2 more years providing we don't take them out in anger or rough seas.
March 20th, WASHINGTON - The American President has asked congress for and has received more time before submitting to the burning of the White House. While not mandated for burning until August 2014, six weeks have been allotted for him to find his Roger Clemons rookie card first. As a concession to upper Canada for delay, Ronnie Hawkins will be sent home immediately following his gig at the Kee to Bala next week.
March 21st, COTTAGE COUNTRY - With Upper Canada at risk several years from now, local fishing guide/outfitter Fred Binge has offered to double the size of the UC Navy surface fleet by 2010. His uncle Jimmy passed on last year and left him 3 old fishing boats that "were just gonna rot anyway". He has generously offered the boats free of charge to the war effort. He figures "if someone will pick up the tab for new seats from Upper Canadian Tire, we'll have three good runners to repel those Yanks with". We'll need more spirit like that from people like Freddy Binge if we're going to win this thing.
March 21st, QUEBEC CITY - Upper Canadian Prime Minister Julius Bort announced support from up along the St. Lawrence today from Lower Canada.
Local officials have agreed to hold suspicious looking Asian-Upper Canadians in the Quebec City Citadel beginning December 2011. Mr. Bort was clearly baffled by the offer but figured it'd keep the French out his hair until we beat back the Yanks in 2015. Ummm........... keep up the good work eh?
March 21st, TORONTO (YORK) - A tactical deception has been hatched today in York. After the US burns the White House again, we will renege on our deal to burn and loot York. Instead, we'll change a few street signs and move the lake to the north side of Lake Shore Boulevard to disguise ourselves as Chicago. This is expected to succeed, as most Americans can hardly remember their visits to York because they've always been whaled from the Caribana parade.
Plan B would be to wait until July to renege and disguise ourselves as Jamaica.
March 21st, - The following organizations today have lent there support to the war at home, half a dozen years from now:
• Starting in the summer of 2012 a school west of York has offered lodging to any militia needing an overnight stay. Blankets and warm soup will be available at General Brock High School in Burlington and guests will get an 8 foot blue mat to cushion themselves from the gymnasium floor.
• Half price Rum & Raison ice cream cups or cones will be available to all militia at participating Laura Secord shops. Alternatively, 2 for 1 is also available. Or a half-cup or cone for a quarter of the price. As always, samples are free:)
• In an effort to bolster patriotism, Kingston has agreed to stop whining about losing the capital to York for the duration of the war.
• The City of Toronto Works Department has agreed to tear down the Gardiner Expressway and dig up and take away a few hundred yards of landfill south of Fort York. This is to make the harbour close enough to strike by cannonball by March 2012. They will start tomorrow at rush hour.
• Stoney Creek Dairy has offered free second scoops for all militia or people who can produce a good fighting stick. Starts 2011.
• Walmart & Home Depot have teamed up to provide support for whoever they think is going to win. Decision is expected by summer 0f 2014.
• Paris has offered artisans to spruce up the "French Castle" at Fort Niagara to authentic 1700's standards as soon as the Americans vacate it.
March 21st, WASHINGTON - More details have been revealed about the US position for the achingly impending war with Upper Canada.
In his appeal to congress today for funding for the war, the president revealed that America had massed troops for the 1ooth anniversary of the 1812 war, but their thunder was stolen by sympathy for the sinking of the Titanic, just two months before. By coming out six years in advance this century around, they hope to preempt any such similar disaster by forcing cruise lines to be more careful once 2012 rolls around. While not completely blaming the White Star Line for the last fiasco, he requested funds to heat the ocean up by 7 degrees to help melt icebergs.
RELATED NOTES - Jim Carrey has been expelled from Los Angeles. Canada immediately rerouted his plane to France where he will room with Jerry Lewis before he gets his own place.
Stay tuned to this space for breaking news on the war. Remember, complacency can set in when you've got 2281 days to go before hostilities - don't let it happen to you!
US Secretary of State Biff Hooper issued a brief statement Tuesday afternoon from the White House press room but refused to respond to questions from the gallery, saying only "we'll have more for you soon". He muttered something about "damn redcoats" but wouldn't elaborate when pressed.
The Yanks have apparently begun exploring other war options in preparation for the eventual end of the Iraqi conflict, and with Cuba and Madagascar gearing up to take the lead on Iran, the US seems intent on finding another conflict now rather than missing out on the chance to dance with Upper Canada later.
The timing may pay dividends domestically, as Upper Canada has been strutting about on a trade dispute winning streak of late. Subsidized American industries who have noticed this NAFTA failure are not happy and this may strike a chord with them.
Upper Canada has not shied from the challenge, and appear ready to receive the US with closed fists.
MARCH 19th, WASHINGTON - A late announcement from the US has confirmed War was officially pre-declared earlier today by the United States of America on the English settlements in North America, known as Upper Canada. Hostilities are to commence in June 2012, to coincide with the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812.
UPDATE: Refreshments and muffins will be available at the opening ceremonies.
March 19th, OTTAWA - In an effort to drum up support north of the 49th parallel , Upper Canada has been banging the drums with some provocative moves in preparation for the war 6 years from now. Warming to this yonder challenge from the south, the feisty Upper Canadian ambassador to the USA, Sir Jocko Thomas, has offered up some incentives to rekindle the feelings of 1812-1814.
First, Sir Thomas has offered to burn down and loot our own city of Toronto (York) if the US will agree to burn down the White House again. Evening up the score for Upper Canada will be our repossession of Fort Niagara at Lake Erie. Thomas was apparently able to easily convince his American counterpart that we were just going to take it again anyway so to give it up now would save us all some time and the irritation of a siege.
Secondly, sensing a future weakness in the American military from years of war in Iraq, he was able to finagle an agreement to fight only with .22's and deer rifles and any sticks that may be available. The American capitulation was surprising, and this appears to have been a real coup on Sir Thomas' part. By halting our softwood lumber exports in 2010, we'll have a fort-load of sticks ready for the war effort. Good work Jocko!
Thirdly, Mr. Thomas was able to whip up anti-American sentiment amongst the Six Nations. Payment to the native Upper Canadians for their support will consist of six barrels of Hudson Bay Company point blankets, forty four cases of Newfie Screech, 18 months exclusive trapping rights at the mouth of the Humber River, a $100 Blockbuster video rental credit (taxes in), and "all territories draining into Hudson and James Bays". We also have to babysit for Graham Greene on 7 days of his choosing as long as we get two nights advance warning. A rock-solid treaty has already been signed.
March 20th, LONDON - Stirred by the glacially imminent fight with the USA, England has gently but firmly rolled their support behind Upper Canada for the war in the new world. Anticipating a lull in conflicts after Iraq winds down, and feeling just a little bit guilty about those subs they sold us, they have agreed to send troops and sticks starting the third week of April, 2012. They have assured us that they'll stay as long as necessary or until late 2014 - whichever is first.
UPDATE: They have also increased the service contract on labour (but not parts) for the subs for 2 more years providing we don't take them out in anger or rough seas.
March 20th, WASHINGTON - The American President has asked congress for and has received more time before submitting to the burning of the White House. While not mandated for burning until August 2014, six weeks have been allotted for him to find his Roger Clemons rookie card first. As a concession to upper Canada for delay, Ronnie Hawkins will be sent home immediately following his gig at the Kee to Bala next week.
March 21st, COTTAGE COUNTRY - With Upper Canada at risk several years from now, local fishing guide/outfitter Fred Binge has offered to double the size of the UC Navy surface fleet by 2010. His uncle Jimmy passed on last year and left him 3 old fishing boats that "were just gonna rot anyway". He has generously offered the boats free of charge to the war effort. He figures "if someone will pick up the tab for new seats from Upper Canadian Tire, we'll have three good runners to repel those Yanks with". We'll need more spirit like that from people like Freddy Binge if we're going to win this thing.
March 21st, QUEBEC CITY - Upper Canadian Prime Minister Julius Bort announced support from up along the St. Lawrence today from Lower Canada.
Local officials have agreed to hold suspicious looking Asian-Upper Canadians in the Quebec City Citadel beginning December 2011. Mr. Bort was clearly baffled by the offer but figured it'd keep the French out his hair until we beat back the Yanks in 2015. Ummm........... keep up the good work eh?
March 21st, TORONTO (YORK) - A tactical deception has been hatched today in York. After the US burns the White House again, we will renege on our deal to burn and loot York. Instead, we'll change a few street signs and move the lake to the north side of Lake Shore Boulevard to disguise ourselves as Chicago. This is expected to succeed, as most Americans can hardly remember their visits to York because they've always been whaled from the Caribana parade.
Plan B would be to wait until July to renege and disguise ourselves as Jamaica.
March 21st, - The following organizations today have lent there support to the war at home, half a dozen years from now:
• Starting in the summer of 2012 a school west of York has offered lodging to any militia needing an overnight stay. Blankets and warm soup will be available at General Brock High School in Burlington and guests will get an 8 foot blue mat to cushion themselves from the gymnasium floor.
• Half price Rum & Raison ice cream cups or cones will be available to all militia at participating Laura Secord shops. Alternatively, 2 for 1 is also available. Or a half-cup or cone for a quarter of the price. As always, samples are free:)
• In an effort to bolster patriotism, Kingston has agreed to stop whining about losing the capital to York for the duration of the war.
• The City of Toronto Works Department has agreed to tear down the Gardiner Expressway and dig up and take away a few hundred yards of landfill south of Fort York. This is to make the harbour close enough to strike by cannonball by March 2012. They will start tomorrow at rush hour.
• Stoney Creek Dairy has offered free second scoops for all militia or people who can produce a good fighting stick. Starts 2011.
• Walmart & Home Depot have teamed up to provide support for whoever they think is going to win. Decision is expected by summer 0f 2014.
• Paris has offered artisans to spruce up the "French Castle" at Fort Niagara to authentic 1700's standards as soon as the Americans vacate it.
March 21st, WASHINGTON - More details have been revealed about the US position for the achingly impending war with Upper Canada.
In his appeal to congress today for funding for the war, the president revealed that America had massed troops for the 1ooth anniversary of the 1812 war, but their thunder was stolen by sympathy for the sinking of the Titanic, just two months before. By coming out six years in advance this century around, they hope to preempt any such similar disaster by forcing cruise lines to be more careful once 2012 rolls around. While not completely blaming the White Star Line for the last fiasco, he requested funds to heat the ocean up by 7 degrees to help melt icebergs.
RELATED NOTES - Jim Carrey has been expelled from Los Angeles. Canada immediately rerouted his plane to France where he will room with Jerry Lewis before he gets his own place.
Stay tuned to this space for breaking news on the war. Remember, complacency can set in when you've got 2281 days to go before hostilities - don't let it happen to you!
1 comment:
Spellbindingly bizarre. I thought *my* mind was Not Of This Earth. No contest, you win; I got nothin'.
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