This Just In, Again.

Belgrade, Yugoslavia

Local writers, tour operators and shipping magnates Slobodan and Miloj Gack were found unconscious in their stylish downtown condominiums late last week. Initial reports concluded that they had overdosed on cane toad toxins but further investigation revealed a tangled web of misdirection, lies and legumes focused around this mysterious pair.

Police spokesman Cyril Posthumus states "These men are known in the intelligence community as not actually having anything to do with the intelligence community. Having said that I can state with no degree of accuracy that I wear pants, I have worn pants and I plan to wear pants later."

As they regained consciousness Miloj let slip that he had been in negotiation with noted author Dan Brown about a sequel to his “Da Vinci Code” book tentatively titled “Every Other Religion Besides Christianity is for Chumps”. When pressed, Slobodan confirmed this statement with a confused comment about lima beans.

“That book is da bomb, boyyyy. When my otter gets back from the park those lima beans won’t know what him them. They.” He then lapsed back into a toad-induced coma.

Police are still investigating.

Premature Deaths

Despite numerous reports and dozens upon dozens of photographs, it appears that rock guitar legend Keith Richards has not passed on. Claiming a recent story about falling from a coconut tree was indeed true, a man purporting to be Mr. Richards (seen here in 1976 and 1999) denied all previous allegations pertaining to his death. All of the drug overdoses, car crashes, ex-wives and other previous causes of "deaths" apparently have made him stronger. (He does admit though that the 7 previous falls from coconut trees did take their toll)
In 1943, despite the setback of having been born an infant, he was nonetheless able to recover and managed to grow into a noted musician with his 1988 release, Talk is Cheap. He also sang backup for a another band prior to 1988, known as the Rolling Stones.

He is not survived by his wife or kids and he has seen two species of cockroach go extinct since 1970.

Harmony on the Road

City officials in Los Angeles, CA are toying with the idea of making everyone accessible to each other by dialing a persons’ license plate number. Using your cell phone, you key in a license plate number and press “dial” of “send” and it will automatically connect you to the driver of your choice through their cell phone.

“We hope that this ability will foster a feeling of well-being by being personally connected to everyone else. You can share information about local restaurants, scenic drives in your locale, favorite shopping spots etc. If someone is driving particularly well you can call and compliment them. If someone is driving somewhat carelessly you can suggest ways by which they can improve; it's all good.” If this works well, the Federal Government plans on expanding the project to include New York, Boston, Seattle, Las Vegas and Miami.

Police are bracing for the expected surge in vehicular homicides.