Traffic Jams All Part of Sinister Master Plan – Investigative Journalism 102

A spokesperson for the “Look For Conspiracies Everywhere Organization” (LFCEO) has confirmed speculation about the cause of traffic jams on Ontario’s 400-series highways yesterday in a news conference at “Bob’s Slug & Jug” tavern on Bloor Street West (“Home of the 428 oz Draught!”) in Toronto.

“Months of investigation involving the Ministry of Transportation, the major auto makers and their parts suppliers and the petroleum industry have revealed some stunning information. There has been a vast web of deceit and lies concerning the origin of the ongoing traffic problems on major highways in Ontario. Apparently it all boils down to one man; Gary “Buck” Sabic Jr, aged 43.”

When contacted, Mr. Sabic could only offer “No comment”.

Reviewing accident and congestion data from M.T.O. cameras situated on Highways 400, 401, 403, 404, 407, 409, 410 and 427 over a period of 18 months revealed a dirty white Toyota Corolla hatchback approximately 15 years old, rust holes over the right rear fender and red sheathing tape replacing the right rear tail light. When covert LFCEO operatives trailed Mr. Sabic on his travels it was revealed that “Mr. Sabic drives slowly in the left lane, frequently brakes for no discernable reason, talks on his cell phone while changing lanes and not using his turn indicator and other disruptive acts.”

When police raided Mr. Sabics’ house in Richmond Hill it was discovered that he had been “living beyond his means.” For a “between assignments” street-sweeping machine mechanic he had a 4000 square foot house on a quiet court. He, his wife and 4 kids had a lavish lifestyle. Forensic audits of his finances revealed a series of cheques from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Toyota, Imperial Oil, Sun Oil Company, British Petroleum, Shell Oil Company and literally dozens of parts manufacturers. Most cheques were valued between $5000 and $25000 each but a few were valued at over $100000. The memo field on almost all of these was marked “for services rendered in the cause.”

Further investigation into Sabic turned up evidence that he had been working covertly for the aforementioned companies in a “1 man wave of vehicular terror.” Given his close proximity to highway 407, Sabic was able to gain access to 407, 400, 401, 404 and 409 and drive a “circuit of terror.” He would head westbound on 407, south on 400 to westbound 401, up the 409 to 427, down the 427 to the Gardiner Expressway. Depending on his mood he would either swing west down the QEW or east along the Gardiner to the Don Valley Parkway/404 combination. He would go north on this or the 403 to the 401 and complete the circuit. Depending on when he woke up and “had his morning constitutional” he could do this circuit between 3 and 5 times a day, with frequent stops for donuts.

“Highway 401 in the GTAA has been renowned the world over as “asinine” for decades and Mr. Sabic is the cause, pure and simple. His driving tactics cause over-usage of gas, faster wear on brake pads and rotors, more money for collision repair companies and faster turn-around times for new car buyers. By generating this income for those companies he has been able to live very comfortably. Cousin Vince Sabic is being investigated for traffic congestion in the Ottawa area (Hwy 417) as is Bjorn Sabic similarly in St Catherines (Hwy 406).”

Mr. Sabic has been charged with “Felony Conspiracy-Cause Driving” and “Unlawful Use of Hand Gestures While Driving”.

Mars May Contain Rocks! – Investigative Journalism 101

After years and millions of dollars of research covert NASA operatives have come to the conclusion that Mars, planet 4 in our solar system, may actually contain rocks. Initial NASA findings after the Mars Lander touched down on the red planet suggested that the planet was entire constructed out of metal, composites and “space-aged” plastics in an almost organized and exact layout but forensic analysis by stalwart grad-students, skeptics and nay-sayers revealed a seemingly random scattering of rock and other inorganic natural material.

Gordon Clancy, a post-graduate student at Barnard College for Women stirred the pot last week when he theorized that Mars may have been visited by stellar travelers with huge spaceships made out of rocks and those “ships crashed, and shit like that. And they, like, scattered their rock-parts all over when they, like, blew up and shit. And then their buddies in rock ships came to rescue them and they crashed and then more rock-ships came and crashed and oh man!” He was then restrained.

NASA officials were quick to silence these theories. Astrophysics guy Bernard Saint was quoted as saying, “What? Rock-ships? No. We’re quite sure that the planet is a giant geodesic dome made by some greater being or race of planet building titans. Any other idea is ludicrous. There are no rocks on Mars. Period. And shit.”

Ex-Russian cosmonaut Yuri Demlananovakovski was quoted in Popular Scientists as quoting “I drove an armored personnel carrier into Hungary in 1956 and a tank into Czechoslovakia in 1968. There were no rocks in those places. What makes you think there are rocks on Mars?” He was then sedated.

This reporter made the trip to a back alley telescope shop to visit a shadowy group of amateur astronomers calling themselves “Shadowy Amateur Astronomers” but was turned away when I found out they had made the trek to my house and were waiting in the driveway. A quick check revealed that these people were a waste of my time and I asked them to leave but not before replacing the coffee-maker one of them had not so covertly stolen.

This reporter then traveled to Houston after this reporter received an email telling how to extend the length of this reporters’ penis. On the way I ran into an ex-NASA “scientist” at a “Strip-o-Rama” just outside of “Nashville” and after a few Zombies and good-times he revealed to me that NASA had been hiding the true nature of the “Red Planet”. He borrowed $20 from me for “Smokes” and then informed me that there was a time 8 to 15 months after the initial Mars Lander “Landing” when questions arose as to the true nature of Mars (and this reporters reputed “over-use” of “quotation marks”.) Close ups of several seemingly random trapezoidal structures revealed a rough, textured surface with pieces broken off and scattered nearby, almost as though the structure was really natural, weathered and wind-battered. The man then removed an envelope from his natural, weathered and wind-battered golf jacket, handed it (the envelope, not the golf jacket) to me then passed out. He was then robbed by some youths as I cowered behind a car. I waited until the youths left the scene then opened the envelope. A match book with “If you can draw this turtle you could have a career as an artist!” written on the inside cover. I questioned the sanity of using a large manila envelope to carry a match book then continued on to Houston.

NASA officials granted this reporter an interview where it was revealed to this reporter that the man I had gotten the matchbook from was not an ex-NASA scientist but in fact “the weird guy who used to push the snack cart around.” An official with the PR department of NASA revealed “We at NASA try to dig deep into the vast array of data that our probes send back to us every second of every minute of every hour of every day of…..” This reporter interrupted him and scolded him for being overly dramatic and he launched back with “Someone who refers to himself as this reporter has no business scolding me for anything!” He continued on after this reporter apologized.

“Our probes have revealed many fantastic things about our solar system. Things that would have gone unknown forever if it wasn’t for our complete waste of taxpayer’s money. For example, did you know that there are approximately two Tim Horton’s doughnut franchises for 10 square kilometers in Southern Ontario? Also, Paris Hilton likes sunbathing topless on the roof of her Manhattan condo? Amazing stuff!”

I left his office with a much clearer understanding of how these things work. On my way back home from Houston I hypothesized about the Red Planet (or Le Grande Roc Rouge as it is known at the bowling alley) and how it might actually be made entirely of rock. And that rock might have been shaped by millions of years of solar winds, passing celestial bodies and the mighty gravitational pull of Sol, our sun. How it was unlikely that it was metal, composites, space aged plastic or Lego ™ for that matter. How Mars was a beautiful, mysterious and wonderful embodiment of all that the universe had to offer if we just went out and looked. But then the peyote wore off and I threw up.

The War of 2012!

March 18th, WASHINGTON - In a shocking turn of events, the United States of America have confirmed that they will tear up the Treaty of Ghent that ended the War of 1812, signed late in 1814. The impetus for such an about face with regard to Upper Canadian/American relations is unclear, but the revelation was confirmed late Thursday by the White House.
US Secretary of State Biff Hooper issued a brief statement Tuesday afternoon from the White House press room but refused to respond to questions from the gallery, saying only "we'll have more for you soon". He muttered something about "damn redcoats" but wouldn't elaborate when pressed.

The Yanks have apparently begun exploring other war options in preparation for the eventual end of the Iraqi conflict, and with Cuba and Madagascar gearing up to take the lead on Iran, the US seems intent on finding another conflict now rather than missing out on the chance to dance with Upper Canada later.
The timing may pay dividends domestically, as Upper Canada has been strutting about on a trade dispute winning streak of late. Subsidized American industries who have noticed this NAFTA failure are not happy and this may strike a chord with them.

Upper Canada has not shied from the challenge, and appear ready to receive the US with closed fists.

MARCH 19th, WASHINGTON - A late announcement from the US has confirmed War was officially pre-declared earlier today by the United States of America on the English settlements in North America, known as Upper Canada. Hostilities are to commence in June 2012, to coincide with the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812.
UPDATE: Refreshments and muffins will be available at the opening ceremonies.

March 19th, OTTAWA - In an effort to drum up support north of the 49th parallel , Upper Canada has been banging the drums with some provocative moves in preparation for the war 6 years from now. Warming to this yonder challenge from the south, the feisty Upper Canadian ambassador to the USA, Sir Jocko Thomas, has offered up some incentives to rekindle the feelings of 1812-1814.
First, Sir Thomas has offered to burn down and loot our own city of Toronto (York) if the US will agree to burn down the White House again. Evening up the score for Upper Canada will be our repossession of Fort Niagara at Lake Erie. Thomas was apparently able to easily convince his American counterpart that we were just going to take it again anyway so to give it up now would save us all some time and the irritation of a siege.

Secondly, sensing a future weakness in the American military from years of war in Iraq, he was able to finagle an agreement to fight only with .22's and deer rifles and any sticks that may be available. The American capitulation was surprising, and this appears to have been a real coup on Sir Thomas' part. By halting our softwood lumber exports in 2010, we'll have a fort-load of sticks ready for the war effort. Good work Jocko!

Thirdly, Mr. Thomas was able to whip up anti-American sentiment amongst the Six Nations. Payment to the native Upper Canadians for their support will consist of six barrels of Hudson Bay Company point blankets, forty four cases of Newfie Screech, 18 months exclusive trapping rights at the mouth of the Humber River, a $100 Blockbuster video rental credit (taxes in), and "all territories draining into Hudson and James Bays". We also have to babysit for Graham Greene on 7 days of his choosing as long as we get two nights advance warning. A rock-solid treaty has already been signed.

March 20th, LONDON - Stirred by the glacially imminent fight with the USA, England has gently but firmly rolled their support behind Upper Canada for the war in the new world. Anticipating a lull in conflicts after Iraq winds down, and feeling just a little bit guilty about those subs they sold us, they have agreed to send troops and sticks starting the third week of April, 2012. They have assured us that they'll stay as long as necessary or until late 2014 - whichever is first.
UPDATE: They have also increased the service contract on labour (but not parts) for the subs for 2 more years providing we don't take them out in anger or rough seas.

March 20th, WASHINGTON - The American President has asked congress for and has received more time before submitting to the burning of the White House. While not mandated for burning until August 2014, six weeks have been allotted for him to find his Roger Clemons rookie card first. As a concession to upper Canada for delay, Ronnie Hawkins will be sent home immediately following his gig at the Kee to Bala next week.

March 21st, COTTAGE COUNTRY - With Upper Canada at risk several years from now, local fishing guide/outfitter Fred Binge has offered to double the size of the UC Navy surface fleet by 2010. His uncle Jimmy passed on last year and left him 3 old fishing boats that "were just gonna rot anyway". He has generously offered the boats free of charge to the war effort. He figures "if someone will pick up the tab for new seats from Upper Canadian Tire, we'll have three good runners to repel those Yanks with". We'll need more spirit like that from people like Freddy Binge if we're going to win this thing.

March 21st, QUEBEC CITY - Upper Canadian Prime Minister Julius Bort announced support from up along the St. Lawrence today from Lower Canada.
Local officials have agreed to hold suspicious looking Asian-Upper Canadians in the Quebec City Citadel beginning December 2011. Mr. Bort was clearly baffled by the offer but figured it'd keep the French out his hair until we beat back the Yanks in 2015. Ummm........... keep up the good work eh?

March 21st, TORONTO (YORK) - A tactical deception has been hatched today in York. After the US burns the White House again, we will renege on our deal to burn and loot York. Instead, we'll change a few street signs and move the lake to the north side of Lake Shore Boulevard to disguise ourselves as Chicago. This is expected to succeed, as most Americans can hardly remember their visits to York because they've always been whaled from the Caribana parade.
Plan B would be to wait until July to renege and disguise ourselves as Jamaica.

March 21st, - The following organizations today have lent there support to the war at home, half a dozen years from now:

• Starting in the summer of 2012 a school west of York has offered lodging to any militia needing an overnight stay. Blankets and warm soup will be available at General Brock High School in Burlington and guests will get an 8 foot blue mat to cushion themselves from the gymnasium floor.
• Half price Rum & Raison ice cream cups or cones will be available to all militia at participating Laura Secord shops. Alternatively, 2 for 1 is also available. Or a half-cup or cone for a quarter of the price. As always, samples are free:)
• In an effort to bolster patriotism, Kingston has agreed to stop whining about losing the capital to York for the duration of the war.
• The City of Toronto Works Department has agreed to tear down the Gardiner Expressway and dig up and take away a few hundred yards of landfill south of Fort York. This is to make the harbour close enough to strike by cannonball by March 2012. They will start tomorrow at rush hour.
• Stoney Creek Dairy has offered free second scoops for all militia or people who can produce a good fighting stick. Starts 2011.
• Walmart & Home Depot have teamed up to provide support for whoever they think is going to win. Decision is expected by summer 0f 2014.
• Paris has offered artisans to spruce up the "French Castle" at Fort Niagara to authentic 1700's standards as soon as the Americans vacate it.

March 21st, WASHINGTON - More details have been revealed about the US position for the achingly impending war with Upper Canada.
In his appeal to congress today for funding for the war, the president revealed that America had massed troops for the 1ooth anniversary of the 1812 war, but their thunder was stolen by sympathy for the sinking of the Titanic, just two months before. By coming out six years in advance this century around, they hope to preempt any such similar disaster by forcing cruise lines to be more careful once 2012 rolls around. While not completely blaming the White Star Line for the last fiasco, he requested funds to heat the ocean up by 7 degrees to help melt icebergs.

RELATED NOTES - Jim Carrey has been expelled from Los Angeles. Canada immediately rerouted his plane to France where he will room with Jerry Lewis before he gets his own place.

Stay tuned to this space for breaking news on the war. Remember, complacency can set in when you've got 2281 days to go before hostilities - don't let it happen to you!

Creeping Malaysia

The Malaysian Forestry Department has offered to allow people into the protected Endau Rompin park to search for the Malaysian version of Bigfoot (or “le pied grand” as it is known in France.) Not surprisingly, there have been no takers. The Malaysian people are known the world over as short, scared people who would just as soon stay indoors watching television than plunge into the boreal forests of Malaysia looking for a gigantic creature that may or may not rend them limb from limb.

Boon Hocklington, a crypto-biologist from MIT, states the Malaysian Forestry Departments obsession with Bigfoot (or “der grosse Fuß” as it is known in Germany) has surged recently as “they have run out of other creatures to be obsessed about. In the early 60’s, some drunk Malay in a dugout canoe thought he saw a sea-serpent and the next day the Malaysian Coast Guard was offering free machetes and Coca Cola for people to go find one. In 1979 an accountant from Kuala Lampur thought he witnessed Howard Hughes hooking up with a prostitute and the next day the local constabulary were all walking around in Tyvek suits with Kleenex boxes on their feet.”

Interest was ignited last fall when fish-farm workers reported seeing three giant human-like creatures and one giant footprint in the park. Park officials responded to the site, but found no evidence of any such creature. But, then, more sightings were reported by native villagers. When Forestry officials arrived on scene they again found no evidence but did find a lot of native villagers snickering. Malaysian officials are now starting to think that maybe Bigfoot (or “el pie grande” in Spanish) maybe nothing more than the sarcastic musings of people with mind altering drugs and too much free time.

She Was Gorgeous

She was gorgeous; anyone could see that. The way her tight, satin dress clung to her curves, the way her lips pouted when she wasn't talking, the way the waiters kept slipping in pools of drool collecting around her table as she tried to eat. The manager of Chez Fromage, a fashionable dining spot in the heart of downtown Budapest tried to approach the woman but was stopped in his tracks as she languidly stretched like a cat in her chair while the Captain of an passing airliner distractedly steered his Airbus into a nearby casino.

The manager gave his head a shake, checked to make sure his tie was hanging equidistant between his left and right shoulder and made his move. The vision before him was everything that everyman could and would desire. Indeed there were several men totally ignoring the females they had came into Chez Fromage with, the aforementioned females reaching for the Glock sandwiched between the rouge container and the Tic Tacs in their handbags. The manager approached the woman before him but before he could speak he slipped on a puddle and crashed to the floor, reaching for a floor lamp, missing but managing to jam his finger between the safe rubber cord end and the not-so-safe source for electrical power. His molars, suddenly free of their earthly home catapulted out the open window, past the now flaming casino, 2km's through
warm, humid air of Budapest and into the almost empty water dish of a cat named Freckles, owned by Enid and Oleg Podzeg.

The vision in the satin dress stood suddenly, smoothed out her dress and said "I hate when this happens." She was then arrested for 837 unpaid mattress tag violations.

Internet Crime Costs Us All

- So says local man, Joseph King. "It's getting so that no one is immune from the costs related to online piracy anymore". He continues, "I mean, just about everyone I know is doing something questionable on the web these days. My own mother has downloaded songs and that makes her a pirate in the eyes of the court".

Joe is not alone in his assessment. Guys at the local pub also agree that it's getting harder to escape the these costs.
"Just take your average pirate" pipes up barfly Norm (or Gord - I can never remember) - "he's likely got several thousand dollars tied up in computer equipment alone. Add to that the diminishing social life and monthly internet access charges and you've got substantial fees in maintaining the lifestyle. Ever download a virus? Don't get me started". Norm (or Gord) seems agitated by the topic and bolts to the head.

"Something needs to be done, and soon", says Edward Ibble. Mr. Ibble was stealing air from other peoples tires outside the bar at the time because his own air was bent and his wheels were making funny sounds on the highway. He couldn't afford his own air because of rising piracy costs. Another needless victim?

"The answer may lie in abolishing copyright laws for music and video" says Toronto area professor Jackie Hu. "The need for all this expensive digital rights management (DRM) would disappear and this will take us in a direction where costs can fall, because just ripping music from a buddy's iPod will be easy and also keep you in new tunes for months at a time". "Less time on the internet and more time at bars is preferable to everyone" believes Dr. Hu. "It just makes sense". He should know, I've seen him here drinking every night and he looks pretty happy.

However, there are dissenters out there. George and I were taking a whiz on the wall beside Ed Ibble as the latter swiped his 2-O. "I don't need no internet fees and computers to steal someone else's property", he says. "Why pay all that money AND be accused of being a crook? My buddy works at a record shop and he just makes me these DVD's with tunes ripped from the store CD's after hours. They sell blank discs there and my buddy does all the work - no cost to me at all". (The store DVD's were "comped" it appears) "This internet crime bullshit is just for people with no magination [sic] . People who pay for tunes are morons" insists peeing George.
He adds softly that, unfortunately, these discs do not work in his car or his older style DVD player, just the one at his dad's cottage.

Having your friends do the work also strikes a chord with bartender Phillip Meaghan. "George is always in here bragging about his new DVD full of tunes and how they didn't cost him a thing. If he has found a way, why can't the rest of us?" He goes on without prompting, "I got a fancy new computer 6 months ago and it cost me 3 large. 350 songs later and those songs cost me over 8 BUCKS each! Does that make sense? iTunes is cheaper than that!" Phil Meaghan is on a roll now - "We're all feeling the pinch of piracy - cut the interweb thing out all together and get your tunes and movies from the guy at a record store. This'll give you another night at the bar every month practically for free."

Phil is probably right, and though he works at the bar you'll spend that 60 bucks at, I tend to believe him because he doesn't own the bar and that $60 don't do shit for him. (3-4 dollars in tips does not formulate a biased opinion* in this reporters eyes)

Heroics of individuals like George and his pal aside, piracy appears likey to stay.
SloboGack

*Biased opinions are available. Simple half-truths start at $10 and out and out lies are $50 and up.

What's Gnu?

In an effort to beguile the growing crocodile population, several African governments have banned the use of the word "wildebeest". These animals will now be required by law to be described as Brindled Gnus. Crocodiles in the next few months will see only these Brindled Gnus on the riverbank and will let them pass while waiting for the familiar and tasty Blue Wildebeest.
The theory is that while most crocs will likely be aware of the change soon enough, (crocs talk) some of the dumber ones won't catch on and we'll achieve a bit of a"literary cull" of the stupider crocs. A potential weakness has been exposed in the idea in that there are also cranium-challenged Gnus who may forget to change their name tags.
This summer could be the first ever where we have stupid crocodiles eating only stupid wildebeest. Conversely, we'll also have smart crocs eating only smart(er) Gnus.
Let the games begin.

An Apology - Miloj Regains Control.

To all of our fans, customers and parole officers I offer this humble apology. I did not mean to attempt to destroy that shelf and I apologize profusely for any harm I caused it or it's immediate family and friends.

Workplace stress can add up to a level that becomes intolerable and I have been working on several package tours for Cambodia and Azerbijan respectively and the red-tape for procuring firearms in these countries is completely staggering and the only outlet I had was the shelf, or Slobodan.

Slobodan is bigger than me so the shelf lost.

Humble apologies from a humble travel agent.

Sincerely,

Miloj Gack

Anger in the workplace - Miloj loses control.

In a lightning display of plastic shelving-clip mastery, Miloj this afternoon lost his cool and in the process destroyed a middle-quality shelving unit located under his workstation.

Chilly heads eventually prevailed and with a great effort (and 49 seconds) the situation was remedied.

More Accolades!

I'd not have thought you could squeeze an 18 country European tour into 5 nights and 8 days! Clearly, Slobo and Miloj have the gift of cramming. - Josh the Gimp.

Those ferrets were delicious! Well done! - Honey Harbour.

Our First Attempt With Capitalism!

For all of your travel needs, call Miloj or Slobodan Gack at 1-800-Kill-Lemurs and we'll book it! Just read some of the following testamonials:

"My wife and I hadn't had a vacation since 1968. We called the Gacks and they booked us on an all-inclusive boat tour of the Polyarnyi Inlet near Murmansk. We will never vacation again." - Frank and Paula Spore.

"Is this the right number for the free Jerry Vale tickets?" - Unknown

"Their vacation package to Cuba to visit the sugar cane fields rocks! I got to see a very small part of Cuba and lost 27 pounds!" - Melnor Q Ratts, computer programmer.

" I can't believe they charge $3700.00 per day for "Maid Of The Mist" tickets." - Reverend Jerry Walnut, computer programmer.