Cuban Scientists Accidentally Create Water

A team of scientists working at the University of Cuba has stumbled upon the chemical composition of water. A Sodium/Chlorine chemical nerve-gas defoliant experiment spiraled completely out of control in much the same manner of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident. As the casualties were being removed from the wreckage of the laboritory, located 16 scenic date palm lined kilometers from the Cuban capital of Havana, officials were quick to spot the tell tale signs of water.

As the process for combining uranium and chlorine began in the lab under strict environmental controls two of the scientists began quarreling over which elements on the periodic table were “sexier.” Jorge “Cliff” Ongalez-Ramirez claiming that helium was a better “high” and allowed for “funnier voices” while Jorge “George” Ramirez-Ongalez tried to shout him down. As the fists started to fly the lab became extremely unstable as the sodium-chlorine gas began eating away at the supporting columns. Soon the whole structure collapsed and the gas ignited. The resulting explosion could be heard as far away as Miami.

Cuban emergency services responded rapidly and were on the scene within hours. Elements of at least 5 different fire departments arrived during a tropical rainstorm and couldn’t understand how the fire kept getting worse as more rain fell. (Note: sodium and rain don’t mix.)

Authorities began evacuating people from the immediate area while still other firefighters arrived on the scene. As they did their thing to the fire it got worse and more explosions rocked the area. Eventually the entire laboratory vanished in a violent explosion that Vigdis Augustdottir heard on her farm near Reykjavik, Iceland.

“Yes. I heard it. It was like thunder from a long way away. Like Cuba maybe.”

Officials were able to approach as the toxic cloud dissipated and a large crater filled with water was revealed. Cuban officials concluded that the experiment “went wrong” somehow but that pure potable water remained. They are now trying to recreate the experiment in order to get fresh water to some of the poorer sections of Cuba’s population but torrential rains have delayed attempts.

Doc’s Find Source for “Disaffected Youth”

A 10 year study by doctors from several medical schools across North America concluded that the current generation of disaffected youth can trace the source of their disaffection to listening to extremely loud, poorly written music, driving import sub-compacts, specifically six year old plus Honda Civics and wearing hats that are “too small for their heads.”

“We’ve determined that a disproportionate amount of youth, specifically males between the ages of 16 and 28, drive older Honda Civic hatchbacks that have been modified with resonators to be louder. They then need to install sub-woofers inside the rear portion of these hatchbacks in order to generate sub-sonic sound waves to drown out the sound of the resonators. Unfortunately the sub-sonic subwoofer waves cause the size of the cranium to increase while creating a liquid harmonic in the brain fluid contained within their disproportionately large skulls and they require a skull containment unit, usually in the form of a baseball cap.”

Traveling around most population centers can easily reveal many of these male hominids. Studies also reveal that they have an “egocentric personality” and often display “aggressive tendencies coupled with sub-par intelligence, a potentially lethal combination.”

“These individuals tend to listen to rap because the songs within this musical genre have sub-sonic bass lines hidden within them specifically for resonator frequency control. It offers nothing musically.” Sources close to the automaker Honda confirm that there is a covert agreement between Honda and Sony Music Corp.

There is a correlation between the aggressive tendencies and how many stickers and decals adorn the vehicles. “The most popular sticker on these vehicles is the Tasmanian Devil holding Bugs Bunny’s severed bloody head. Second to that is the image of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on a different auto manufacturers logo. The latter one appears on trucks more often than not.”

As these male hominids get older the aggression tends to peak at age 23 then start building towards a more “respectful behavior and heightened responsibility”. By age 28 this behavior modification is all but gone and these individuals can be “trusted with limited tasks.” Once age 30 is reached a normal life can be achieved, depending of course on the level of contamination of the individual.

The only negative aspect of this transformation is the tendency for the car to be passed on to another pubescent male with the same predictable negative transformation taking place.

New iPods on the way!

Apple is poised to release on Monday a new 6th generation iPod, or 6G. Built to please everyone from hunters to environmentalists, the unit will have every conceivable extra that the rumour sites have been predicting.

A 60" holographic screen will be the most obvious change as it replaces the 5G iPod's 2.5" version. High Definition TV, DVR and 80 petabyte flash storage appears to have made Blu-Ray and DVD-HD obsolete before the players even hit the market. It comes standard with all movies ever released (except for the ones that Ted Turner colourized) and every song currently available from iTunes. (no Beatles yet) 21 speakers are also standard as the unit will sport 20.1 surround sound. Gone is the venerable click wheel and in its place is a new mind control unit. This is actually a two-way device- it can operate the iPod's controls through user thought as well as control the operators basic bodily functions, such as the liver and gastrointestinal tract. It cures irritable bowel syndrome and also frees diabetics from constant blood tests as it can automatically monitor and maintain blood sugar levels. In an emergency, it can inject a Mars bar directly into the bloodstream.

The unit is powered by a perpetual motion machine (PMM) that Apple designed in the late 70's but never found a suitable use for. It weighs a mere 3 ounces and will power the iPod for a guaranteed 100 years. In a nice twist, plugging the iPod into a wall socket will power your house. A firmware update next month is expected to activate unannounced hidden features such as an oxygen generator to go with submarine function. Jet pack and outboard motors are expected from third party vendors and these will attach via the universal dock connector. General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Daimler Benz have all bowed out of the automobile business as they don't expect to be able to compete with the new iPod with its hot 2 door convertible good looks. 645 horsepower and no need for gas with the PMM.

Included in the box is a pair of implantable Bluetooth ear buds, (surgery included at the Apple Store) a leatherette case, Firewire cable and 3D Bluetooth goggles. Available in Tan, off-mauve or burnt orange. Prices are unchanged from the 5G models.

Available for shipping on April 10th, it is expected to be obsolete by May when the 7G ships.