Apple is poised to release on Monday a new 6th generation iPod, or 6G. Built to please everyone from hunters to environmentalists, the unit will have every conceivable extra that the rumour sites have been predicting.
A 60" holographic screen will be the most obvious change as it replaces the 5G iPod's 2.5" version. High Definition TV, DVR and 80 petabyte flash storage appears to have made Blu-Ray and DVD-HD obsolete before the players even hit the market. It comes standard with all movies ever released (except for the ones that Ted Turner colourized) and every song currently available from iTunes. (no Beatles yet) 21 speakers are also standard as the unit will sport 20.1 surround sound. Gone is the venerable click wheel and in its place is a new mind control unit. This is actually a two-way device- it can operate the iPod's controls through user thought as well as control the operators basic bodily functions, such as the liver and gastrointestinal tract. It cures irritable bowel syndrome and also frees diabetics from constant blood tests as it can automatically monitor and maintain blood sugar levels. In an emergency, it can inject a Mars bar directly into the bloodstream.
The unit is powered by a perpetual motion machine (PMM) that Apple designed in the late 70's but never found a suitable use for. It weighs a mere 3 ounces and will power the iPod for a guaranteed 100 years. In a nice twist, plugging the iPod into a wall socket will power your house. A firmware update next month is expected to activate unannounced hidden features such as an oxygen generator to go with submarine function. Jet pack and outboard motors are expected from third party vendors and these will attach via the universal dock connector. General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Daimler Benz have all bowed out of the automobile business as they don't expect to be able to compete with the new iPod with its hot 2 door convertible good looks. 645 horsepower and no need for gas with the PMM.
Included in the box is a pair of implantable Bluetooth ear buds, (surgery included at the Apple Store) a leatherette case, Firewire cable and 3D Bluetooth goggles. Available in Tan, off-mauve or burnt orange. Prices are unchanged from the 5G models.
Available for shipping on April 10th, it is expected to be obsolete by May when the 7G ships.
A 60" holographic screen will be the most obvious change as it replaces the 5G iPod's 2.5" version. High Definition TV, DVR and 80 petabyte flash storage appears to have made Blu-Ray and DVD-HD obsolete before the players even hit the market. It comes standard with all movies ever released (except for the ones that Ted Turner colourized) and every song currently available from iTunes. (no Beatles yet) 21 speakers are also standard as the unit will sport 20.1 surround sound. Gone is the venerable click wheel and in its place is a new mind control unit. This is actually a two-way device- it can operate the iPod's controls through user thought as well as control the operators basic bodily functions, such as the liver and gastrointestinal tract. It cures irritable bowel syndrome and also frees diabetics from constant blood tests as it can automatically monitor and maintain blood sugar levels. In an emergency, it can inject a Mars bar directly into the bloodstream.
The unit is powered by a perpetual motion machine (PMM) that Apple designed in the late 70's but never found a suitable use for. It weighs a mere 3 ounces and will power the iPod for a guaranteed 100 years. In a nice twist, plugging the iPod into a wall socket will power your house. A firmware update next month is expected to activate unannounced hidden features such as an oxygen generator to go with submarine function. Jet pack and outboard motors are expected from third party vendors and these will attach via the universal dock connector. General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Daimler Benz have all bowed out of the automobile business as they don't expect to be able to compete with the new iPod with its hot 2 door convertible good looks. 645 horsepower and no need for gas with the PMM.
Included in the box is a pair of implantable Bluetooth ear buds, (surgery included at the Apple Store) a leatherette case, Firewire cable and 3D Bluetooth goggles. Available in Tan, off-mauve or burnt orange. Prices are unchanged from the 5G models.
Available for shipping on April 10th, it is expected to be obsolete by May when the 7G ships.
2 comments:
And I thought that Ronco's "Crap-o-Lift" combination colostomy bag/floatation device was impressive.
No more so than the Shit-Spritza® portable toilet/gum irrigation system.
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