A 10 year study by doctors from several medical schools across North America concluded that the current generation of disaffected youth can trace the source of their disaffection to listening to extremely loud, poorly written music, driving import sub-compacts, specifically six year old plus Honda Civics and wearing hats that are “too small for their heads.”
“We’ve determined that a disproportionate amount of youth, specifically males between the ages of 16 and 28, drive older Honda Civic hatchbacks that have been modified with resonators to be louder. They then need to install sub-woofers inside the rear portion of these hatchbacks in order to generate sub-sonic sound waves to drown out the sound of the resonators. Unfortunately the sub-sonic subwoofer waves cause the size of the cranium to increase while creating a liquid harmonic in the brain fluid contained within their disproportionately large skulls and they require a skull containment unit, usually in the form of a baseball cap.”
Traveling around most population centers can easily reveal many of these male hominids. Studies also reveal that they have an “egocentric personality” and often display “aggressive tendencies coupled with sub-par intelligence, a potentially lethal combination.”
“These individuals tend to listen to rap because the songs within this musical genre have sub-sonic bass lines hidden within them specifically for resonator frequency control. It offers nothing musically.” Sources close to the automaker Honda confirm that there is a covert agreement between Honda and Sony Music Corp.
There is a correlation between the aggressive tendencies and how many stickers and decals adorn the vehicles. “The most popular sticker on these vehicles is the Tasmanian Devil holding Bugs Bunny’s severed bloody head. Second to that is the image of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on a different auto manufacturers logo. The latter one appears on trucks more often than not.”
As these male hominids get older the aggression tends to peak at age 23 then start building towards a more “respectful behavior and heightened responsibility”. By age 28 this behavior modification is all but gone and these individuals can be “trusted with limited tasks.” Once age 30 is reached a normal life can be achieved, depending of course on the level of contamination of the individual.
The only negative aspect of this transformation is the tendency for the car to be passed on to another pubescent male with the same predictable negative transformation taking place.
1 comment:
Sadly, the cycle is eternal. Today's tight-hatted teens turn into reckless jackasses behind the wheel, just like we did twenty-odd years ago, wearing fedoras, behind the wheels of our horseless carriages.
"Giddyap, ", we'd say, usually to no avail.
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