It Was Going To Happen Sooner or Later

Citizens of the small South-Western Ontario community of Dutton were shocked yesterday when bus-loads of Visigoths showed up on the outskirts of the sleepy little town, disembarked and then preceded to sack the town.

Just after 8:00 am 5 chartered buses pulled into the “Gulp and Blow” truck stop just off of Route 401 and several hundred warlike Germanic tribesmen exited the buses and stood quietly by as the bus drivers removed their siege gear from the luggage compartments. After organizing themselves into manageable groups they swept into the town looting and burning as they went.

 “We weren’t expecting this at all,” Dutton Mayor Vince “Chewie” Bacca was overheard exclaiming as the chaos erupted around him, “We had a strawberry supper planned at the Community Park for this afternoon; this might push that back some.”

 Gnerl the Bold, a Visigoth warrior, tax consultant and spokesmen for the Visigoths explains the decision to sack Dutton, a small town situated just south of Highway 401 between London and Chatham, known more for it’s recent amalgamation with Dunwich, it’s “Dutton Old Girl’s Choral Society” and outstanding dairy farming than for it’s ability to incite warlike tendencies in long-extinct European tribes, “We were on those buses for a long time. Barc the Terrible had given each bus some mead and some of his wife’s excellent cabbage rolls and the resultant lower gastro-intestinal stress that many of my brothers had felt had created an atmosphere in the buses that could best be described as, well, pungent. Several fights had broken out amongst the lads and our leader, Varg the Warlike and his right hand man, Tim, decided that we all needed to blow off some steam, as it were. Dutton was the next town. The decision was made.”

 The Dutton community hall and the town arena were the first to go up in flames as Town Selectman Brad Socks rescued the Zamboni from the now burning storage shed behind the arena. A few dozen Visigoth warriors were distracted by the neon sign outside the Shell Station and were subdued by a quick thinking Church group returning from an overnight excursion to the Windsor Casino. Alas, time was not on the side of the citizens of Dutton as they were mostly outnumbered by the rampaging Visigoths who were motivated by blood lust and low blood sugar. One by one the houses in town went up in flames as the people inside fled to the only sanctuary they knew; the Tim Horton donut store south of town.

As the Visigoths grouped together in the parking lot of the coffee shop the frightened citizens measured their life expectancy in moments until quick thinking senior citizen Dorothy “Dot” Hyoomp grabbed for the nearest cell phone and dialled the dispatcher of the charter bus company, asking them to reroute the buses to the parking lot outside for a pick-up. As the buses pulled into the parking lot outside the rampaging warriors extinguished their torches and formed a queue to re-embark on their respective buses, seemingly forgetting the task at hand. Storing their weaponry in the luggage compartments of the tour buses the Visigoths seemed satisfied with the day’s events.

 “Yeah it was a good day for us,” Gnerl the Bold once more explained, “The lads got some burning done. Good burning today, good burning.” With a roar of diesel engines the buses pulled out of the parking lot and headed back out towards the highway leaving the frightened and somewhat confused citizenry to pick up the pieces and rebuild the community.

 “I’m not really sure exactly what the hell happened here today,” Bernie “Saint” Bernard, the proprietor of the Case Farm Equipment dealer commented, “Everyone in Dutton lost their homes today but no one was killed so we’ve got that going for us. Insurance will pick up the tab for the lost property and business so we’ll be just fine. It’s a pity about the Strawberry Supper though; we were all looking forward to that. Someone will pay.”

 After a few days the town council held a meeting where it was decided that they Town of Dutton was going to file a lawsuit against several defendants, notably Karlok’s Siege Equipment, The Weather Network and Balnoks’ Charter Bus Service.