Citizens of the small South-Western Ontario community of Dutton were shocked yesterday when bus-loads of Visigoths showed up on the outskirts of the sleepy little town, disembarked and then preceded to sack the town.
Just after 8:00 am 5 chartered buses pulled into the “Gulp and Blow” truck stop just off of Route 401 and several hundred warlike Germanic tribesmen exited the buses and stood quietly by as the bus drivers removed their siege gear from the luggage compartments. After organizing themselves into manageable groups they swept into the town looting and burning as they went.
As the Visigoths grouped together in the parking lot of the coffee shop the frightened citizens measured their life expectancy in moments until quick thinking senior citizen Dorothy “Dot” Hyoomp grabbed for the nearest cell phone and dialled the dispatcher of the charter bus company, asking them to reroute the buses to the parking lot outside for a pick-up. As the buses pulled into the parking lot outside the rampaging warriors extinguished their torches and formed a queue to re-embark on their respective buses, seemingly forgetting the task at hand. Storing their weaponry in the luggage compartments of the tour buses the Visigoths seemed satisfied with the day’s events.
Belgrade, Yugoslavia
Local writers, tour operators and shipping magnates Slobodan and Miloj Gack were found unconscious in their stylish downtown condominiums late last week. Initial reports concluded that they had overdosed on cane toad toxins but further investigation revealed a tangled web of misdirection, lies and legumes focused around this mysterious pair.
Police spokesman Cyril Posthumus states "These men are known in the intelligence community as not actually having anything to do with the intelligence community. Having said that I can state with no degree of accuracy that I wear pants, I have worn pants and I plan to wear pants later."
As they regained consciousness Miloj let slip that he had been in negotiation with noted author Dan Brown about a sequel to his “Da Vinci Code” book tentatively titled “Every Other Religion Besides Christianity is for Chumps”. When pressed, Slobodan confirmed this statement with a confused comment about lima beans.
“That book is da bomb, boyyyy. When my otter gets back from the park those lima beans won’t know what him them. They.” He then lapsed back into a toad-induced coma.
Police are still investigating.
City officials in Los Angeles, CA are toying with the idea of making everyone accessible to each other by dialing a persons’ license plate number. Using your cell phone, you key in a license plate number and press “dial” of “send” and it will automatically connect you to the driver of your choice through their cell phone.
“We hope that this ability will foster a feeling of well-being by being personally connected to everyone else. You can share information about local restaurants, scenic drives in your locale, favorite shopping spots etc. If someone is driving particularly well you can call and compliment them. If someone is driving somewhat carelessly you can suggest ways by which they can improve; it's all good.” If this works well, the Federal Government plans on expanding the project to include New York, Boston, Seattle, Las Vegas and Miami.
A team of scientists working at the University of Cuba has stumbled upon the chemical composition of water. A Sodium/Chlorine chemical nerve-gas defoliant experiment spiraled completely out of control in much the same manner of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident. As the casualties were being removed from the wreckage of the laboritory, located 16 scenic date palm lined kilometers from the Cuban capital of Havana, officials were quick to spot the tell tale signs of water.
As the process for combining uranium and chlorine began in the lab under strict environmental controls two of the scientists began quarreling over which elements on the periodic table were “sexier.” Jorge “Cliff” Ongalez-Ramirez claiming that helium was a better “high” and allowed for “funnier voices” while Jorge “George” Ramirez-Ongalez tried to shout him down. As the fists started to fly the lab became extremely unstable as the sodium-chlorine gas began eating away at the supporting columns. Soon the whole structure collapsed and the gas ignited. The resulting explosion could be heard as far away as Miami.
Cuban emergency services responded rapidly and were on the scene within hours. Elements of at least 5 different fire departments arrived during a tropical rainstorm and couldn’t understand how the fire kept getting worse as more rain fell. (Note: sodium and rain don’t mix.)
Authorities began evacuating people from the immediate area while still other firefighters arrived on the scene. As they did their thing to the fire it got worse and more explosions rocked the area. Eventually the entire laboratory vanished in a violent explosion that Vigdis Augustdottir heard on her farm near Reykjavik, Iceland.
“Yes. I heard it. It was like thunder from a long way away. Like Cuba maybe.”
A 10 year study by doctors from several medical schools across North America concluded that the current generation of disaffected youth can trace the source of their disaffection to listening to extremely loud, poorly written music, driving import sub-compacts, specifically six year old plus Honda Civics and wearing hats that are “too small for their heads.”
“We’ve determined that a disproportionate amount of youth, specifically males between the ages of 16 and 28, drive older Honda Civic hatchbacks that have been modified with resonators to be louder. They then need to install sub-woofers inside the rear portion of these hatchbacks in order to generate sub-sonic sound waves to drown out the sound of the resonators. Unfortunately the sub-sonic subwoofer waves cause the size of the cranium to increase while creating a liquid harmonic in the brain fluid contained within their disproportionately large skulls and they require a skull containment unit, usually in the form of a baseball cap.”
Traveling around most population centers can easily reveal many of these male hominids. Studies also reveal that they have an “egocentric personality” and often display “aggressive tendencies coupled with sub-par intelligence, a potentially lethal combination.”
“These individuals tend to listen to rap because the songs within this musical genre have sub-sonic bass lines hidden within them specifically for resonator frequency control. It offers nothing musically.” Sources close to the automaker Honda confirm that there is a covert agreement between Honda and Sony Music Corp.
There is a correlation between the aggressive tendencies and how many stickers and decals adorn the vehicles. “The most popular sticker on these vehicles is the Tasmanian Devil holding Bugs Bunny’s severed bloody head. Second to that is the image of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on a different auto manufacturers logo. The latter one appears on trucks more often than not.”
As these male hominids get older the aggression tends to peak at age 23 then start building towards a more “respectful behavior and heightened responsibility”. By age 28 this behavior modification is all but gone and these individuals can be “trusted with limited tasks.” Once age 30 is reached a normal life can be achieved, depending of course on the level of contamination of the individual.
The only negative aspect of this transformation is the tendency for the car to be passed on to another pubescent male with the same predictable negative transformation taking place.
A spokesperson for the “Look For Conspiracies Everywhere Organization” (LFCEO) has confirmed speculation about the cause of traffic jams on Ontario’s 400-series highways yesterday in a news conference at “Bob’s Slug & Jug” tavern on Bloor Street West (“Home of the 428 oz Draught!”) in Toronto.
“Months of investigation involving the Ministry of Transportation, the major auto makers and their parts suppliers and the petroleum industry have revealed some stunning information. There has been a vast web of deceit and lies concerning the origin of the ongoing traffic problems on major highways in Ontario. Apparently it all boils down to one man; Gary “Buck” Sabic Jr, aged 43.”
When contacted, Mr. Sabic could only offer “No comment”.
Reviewing accident and congestion data from M.T.O. cameras situated on Highways 400, 401, 403, 404, 407, 409, 410 and 427 over a period of 18 months revealed a dirty white Toyota Corolla hatchback approximately 15 years old, rust holes over the right rear fender and red sheathing tape replacing the right rear tail light. When covert LFCEO operatives trailed Mr. Sabic on his travels it was revealed that “Mr. Sabic drives slowly in the left lane, frequently brakes for no discernable reason, talks on his cell phone while changing lanes and not using his turn indicator and other disruptive acts.”
When police raided Mr. Sabics’ house in Richmond Hill it was discovered that he had been “living beyond his means.” For a “between assignments” street-sweeping machine mechanic he had a 4000 square foot house on a quiet court. He, his wife and 4 kids had a lavish lifestyle. Forensic audits of his finances revealed a series of cheques from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Toyota, Imperial Oil, Sun Oil Company, British Petroleum, Shell Oil Company and literally dozens of parts manufacturers. Most cheques were valued between $5000 and $25000 each but a few were valued at over $100000. The memo field on almost all of these was marked “for services rendered in the cause.”
Further investigation into Sabic turned up evidence that he had been working covertly for the aforementioned companies in a “1 man wave of vehicular terror.” Given his close proximity to highway 407, Sabic was able to gain access to 407, 400, 401, 404 and 409 and drive a “circuit of terror.” He would head westbound on 407, south on 400 to westbound 401, up the 409 to 427, down the 427 to the Gardiner Expressway. Depending on his mood he would either swing west down the QEW or east along the Gardiner to the Don Valley Parkway/404 combination. He would go north on this or the 403 to the 401 and complete the circuit. Depending on when he woke up and “had his morning constitutional” he could do this circuit between 3 and 5 times a day, with frequent stops for donuts.
“Highway 401 in the GTAA has been renowned the world over as “asinine” for decades and Mr. Sabic is the cause, pure and simple. His driving tactics cause over-usage of gas, faster wear on brake pads and rotors, more money for collision repair companies and faster turn-around times for new car buyers. By generating this income for those companies he has been able to live very comfortably. Cousin Vince Sabic is being investigated for traffic congestion in the Ottawa area (Hwy 417) as is Bjorn Sabic similarly in St Catherines (Hwy 406).”
Mr. Sabic has been charged with “Felony Conspiracy-Cause Driving” and “Unlawful Use of Hand Gestures While Driving”.
After years and millions of dollars of research covert NASA operatives have come to the conclusion that Mars, planet 4 in our solar system, may actually contain rocks. Initial NASA findings after the Mars Lander touched down on the red planet suggested that the planet was entire constructed out of metal, composites and “space-aged” plastics in an almost organized and exact layout but forensic analysis by stalwart grad-students, skeptics and nay-sayers revealed a seemingly random scattering of rock and other inorganic natural material.
The Malaysian Forestry Department has offered to allow people into the protected Endau Rompin park to search for the Malaysian version of Bigfoot (or “le pied grand” as it is known in France.) Not surprisingly, there have been no takers. The Malaysian people are known the world over as short, scared people who would just as soon stay indoors watching television than plunge into the boreal forests of Malaysia looking for a gigantic creature that may or may not rend them limb from limb.
Boon Hocklington, a crypto-biologist from MIT, states the Malaysian Forestry Departments obsession with Bigfoot (or “der grosse Fuß” as it is known in Germany) has surged recently as “they have run out of other creatures to be obsessed about. In the early 60’s, some drunk Malay in a dugout canoe thought he saw a sea-serpent and the next day the Malaysian Coast Guard was offering free machetes and Coca Cola for people to go find one. In 1979 an accountant from Kuala Lampur thought he witnessed Howard Hughes hooking up with a prostitute and the next day the local constabulary were all walking around in Tyvek suits with Kleenex boxes on their feet.”
Interest was ignited last fall when fish-farm workers reported seeing three giant human-like creatures and one giant footprint in the park. Park officials responded to the site, but found no evidence of any such creature. But, then, more sightings were reported by native villagers. When Forestry officials arrived on scene they again found no evidence but did find a lot of native villagers snickering. Malaysian officials are now starting to think that maybe Bigfoot (or “el pie grande” in Spanish) maybe nothing more than the sarcastic musings of people with mind altering drugs and too much free time.
