Owls and Their Effects on the Ozone Layer

1) Everyone remembers the first time they shaved their first cat. The screaming, the hair flying, the scratches; ahh good times. Tim grabbed Fluffy and stalked towards the bathroom, grabbing the clippers as he went. Fluffy stayed strangely calm, either not knowing what cruel fate awaited her or just not caring any more. Fortunately for her Tim fell into an open manhole that wasn't there just a few moments ago. Fluffy escaped unharmed; Tim, on the other hand fractured both femurs and ankles, had a crack in his cranium and a runny nose to boot. Bad day for Tim, good day for Fluffy.

2) Ice cream is good especially with pie. Ice cream on it's own is okay as is pie. But together ice cream and pie are spectacular. Peanut Butter and chocolate are spectacular too, as is cheeze whiz and bologna (baloney to those who don't know Italian) but the best ever is ice cream and pie. That's why I became a monk. For the pie and ice cream.

3) Stream of consciousness time. One long run-on sentence. Here we go. I got nothin.

4) Four.

5) So I'm riding home on the subway when I look across the aisle and see one of my fellow passengers is a blue whale, the largest mammal on the planet. I immediately get curious about several things; how did she get this far inland from the ocean, how did she get onto the subway car and why didn't she finish the ham sandwich she bought from the consierge? I leaned over to try and engage her in conversation but she was having none of it. An upscale blue whale like her wouldn't have anything to do with a blue-collar shlub like me. My stop arrived and I got off. The subway moved off and I never saw her again, but I'd stole her sandwich.

Major League Eating To Rival Baseball in Popularity

Boca Raton, Florida

Just in time to trump baseballs' spring training, MacDonald's and Burger King have teamed together with the makers of Maalox and the portable stomach pump and ESPN to bring "Major League Eating" to your home.

Spokesman Jean-Guy Fornicateur said in a statement, "We at Major League Eating are proud to turn what most Americans do of their own free will, mainly overeating into a simulating and spirited competition."

When asked about the possible health side-effects Fornicateur said, "Well when you here about someone showing up at spring training overweight and out of shape it's usually followed by that person's drive to succeed is brought into question whereas in MLE those things identify that individual as a premier competitor." After Fornicateur's short speech a bus showed up at the press conference and Lebron Aneurysm, pictured above, stepped off to wild applause from fans and the media. Aneurysm then gave a demonstration of the kind of action that people will soon be experiencing.

Sitting at a table and donning his protective headgear, Aneurysm was given a large over sized novelty cheeseburger that he demolished in under 30 seconds. A few seconds of stunned and disturbed silence was quickly replaced by admiring applause. Indeed more than one person was overheard to state their willingness to join the league for fame and glory.

Fornicateur then went on to state that although the League will start on a modest budget and travel between cities on the eastern seaboard he anticipates a time when the MLE will span across the country and possibly into Europe and Asia as well, "Italy and Germany offer then kind of food variety that would appeal to most competitors and we know that they have got their own home grown talent grooming for competition. Japan is definitely an option for us as we know their fondness for the bizarre. I can see this being an Olympic event someday."