blunt drama

2011-11-12T00:03:00.001-05:00

…in the car, at the mall - at work! This thing has saved me more times than I can count.

Well done Gnuco, well done.

B. Hooper

It's aMAZing what you can do with transistors!

Zack Johanssenburgoff-Corn

You had me at 18lbs. I'd say yes at 25!

Count me in!

Cornelius Wong

Enormity!

Anon

Wait.................what?

2010-01-25T22:19:00.001-05:00

So I was manhandling my pet skink the other day when it hit me; I needed orange juice! And no pulp! So I tossed the skink aside (don’t worry, skinks are remarkably resilient and upon first striking the wall and then my superbly polished floor, he then balanced my chequebook) and ran out my front door. The Philipino was done with the tire rotation job on my truck but I chose to run the 44 kms to the local (in name only) grocery store as I had packed on a few pounds over the holidays and I figured the 3 or 4 weeks I’d have to spend in intensive care would help the weight melt right off.

About 15 meters in to my journey I realised that I was morally required to stay away from citrus drinks of all kinds as I was as a member of the Dairy Council so I did what every red-blooded Canadian man would do; I rubbed 2 pieces of Styrofoam together and put on my tiara. The Pope commented on the tiara, lamenting that he was required to wear the pointy hat at all times (including while bathing) and sometimes he just wanted to wear something a little “frilly”. We swapped head gear and he left with a spring in his step while I was suddenly burdened with the responsibility of being the figurehead of a largely out-dated and backwards religious organisation. I left for the Vatican.

I was met in Rome by some Italian guy who looked like a cross between an older Ben Affleck and a cream separating machine. “Ben” took me to the Vatican by way of The Eaton Center, Nepal and Tripoli but not before warning me about the flagrant use of hand signals and putting quotation marks around his name. I agreed to his punitive measures and punched him in the neck, as per our agreement. We pulled up to the front gates of the Vatican and I got out and drank the rest of my beer. A hotdog vendor who kept looking oddly at the cooler beside him gave me a hotdog and a bottle of water for only $12,000.00 that I was able to pay in instalments.

I was halfway up the steps when I was made acutely aware that as I was in Fort Wayne, Indiana there was no way that I could be at the Vatican. I whipped out my iPod and watched a few episodes of The Fall Guy (with Lee Majors) and listened to my entire Julio Iglesias collection (also with Lee Majors; I have a Y-adaptor and he plugged in his earphones while he munched on his over priced hotdog). Feeling as though I’d lost the point of my being on the steps of the non-Vatican I hailed a cab and left for the Andes mountains where I had a small bottled water company and a fleet of fleet-footed horses.

Manuel and has wife Garth greeted me with hugs and snarls and offered to drive me to the airport seeing as they have no spare room for to stay in and I took them up on the offer. The airport security staff nodded soberly at me as I past them in my Pope hat and matching chaps from the gift shop. I purchased an elk that I was able to fit in the overhead compartment and was able to get home with enough time to make my 8:30 bowling league championship game.

Burke Smirks

2008-11-12T20:09:00.002-05:00

The ongoing saga of the NHL's Anaheim Ducks continues today with the news that Brian Burke has been relieved of his general manager's duties and has been replaced by assistant GM Bob Murray.
Various sources have indicated failure to accept a contract extension as the reason, but CEO Michael Shulman cited breach of contract.
"Brian was hired to run the team, not to smile and enjoy his success. While he did not smile when the team won the Stanley Cup, it WAS clear that he enjoyed the experience. This is clearly a breach of contract and he was warned at the time. Feuding with Kevin Lowe of the Oilers over the signing of Dustin Penner was another episode. We hired him because we thought he was a dick, not because he ENJOYS being a dick. We can do better."
The Toronto Maple Leafs are expected to aggressively pursue Mr. Burke so they can add his surly and humourless persona to their collection.

Serial Weirdness - Chapter 1

2008-10-14T22:16:00.000-04:00

Seeing as this seems to be a one-Gack show these days I am taking it upon myself to introduce to you, our dear readers, the concept of "Serial Weirdness". As I think of weirdness I shall enter them here, hopefully in some sort of coherent form for you to follow along in single chapter form. With any luck it shall entertain, possibly titillate and hopefully amuse the crap out of the lot of you.

Probably not titillate.

So, without any further delay may I present to you Serial Weirdness.

========================================================

The wind whistled through the trees in the park, the bare branches and limbs moving with the force of the cold November breeze. The few people brave enough to venture outside moved quickly with the effort of hurrying to where they were going and getting inside as expediently as possible. The shops and cafes that lined the park were doing a brisk business and those shop owners were inwardly pleased with the hourly take while showing outward concern for the needs of the shoppers. The rapid transactions kept the shop owners warm. But deep in the park it was cold.

You know the hot dog cart. You see them all over the city in the summer, hordes of nitrate-deficient people waiting their turn for one of mankind's' greatest gifts, the hot dog. Smother it in everything remotely edible that comes in a squeezable tube and wash it down with super highly concentrated sugar water and you have the perfect city meal. But deep in the park on a cold November day the cart was out of place. The canvas walls that the owner had erected to keep the cold off flapped mightily in the wind and the little immigrant man shuddered. Stanislaw Kovac was working against his will. His wife of what seemed to be *forever* did not like him spending time at home when there were hot dogs to be sold. Stanislaw tried to explain that no one would want to venture into the park for a hot dog but she was having none of it.

"Go sell your hot dogs! Keep your blood moving!" She yelled. A lot.

So there he was, huddled in his canvas enclosed hot dog cart, trying feebly to keep warm and keep the cans of pop from freezing. He looked outside; the grey clouds rolled past. He was bored. He closed his eyes.

"This is silly. I could be watching Jeopardy. I'm going home no....." he stopped talking. He thought he heard a voice behind him. He turned around. No one was there. He stuck his head out the back of the enclosure. No one. Another sound behind him. The voice, a tiny one was coming from inside the cart. Stanlislaw cocked his head to one side and tried to locate the source of the little voice. He waited. The voice called out again, muffled.

"Hey! In here!" The cooler? Stanislaw took a step backwards. What could possibly be in the cooler that was capable of speech? His wife put a tape recorder in the cooler and it came on after a time. She was a card! No. His wife was many things; funny wasn't part of the top 100 traits she possessed let alone a trait that she would want to show off.

Stanislaw didn't want to open the cooler. What would he find? "Hey! Are you out there? It's cold!" Who was this talking to him? He thought briefly about running from the cart but since he'd lived through the Hungarian uprising in 1956 he figured he possessed enough "moxie" to withstand whatever could be talking to him from within the cooler. He inched closer. It was quiet except for the wind. No voice.

He grabbed the tongs from the top of the counter and stepped closer, staring intently at the cooler. Slowly he stretched out his hand with the tongs and reached for the lid. Edging the tongs under the handle he flipped the lid up and jumped back. Nothing. He crept back up and peered over the edge. Just the hot dogs.

Stanislaw looked around him. Nothing in his enclosure. Nothing immediately outside. Nothing around for miles it seemed. Stanislaw looked back into the cooler.

"Thanks for opening the lid. We needed the fresh air."

It suddenly became apparent; the hot dogs were talking to Stanislaw Kovac.

It Was Going To Happen Sooner or Later

2008-06-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

Citizens of the small South-Western Ontario community of Dutton were shocked yesterday when bus-loads of Visigoths showed up on the outskirts of the sleepy little town, disembarked and then preceded to sack the town.

Just after 8:00 am 5 chartered buses pulled into the “Gulp and Blow” truck stop just off of Route 401 and several hundred warlike Germanic tribesmen exited the buses and stood quietly by as the bus drivers removed their siege gear from the luggage compartments. After organizing themselves into manageable groups they swept into the town looting and burning as they went.

“We weren’t expecting this at all,” Dutton Mayor Vince “Chewie” Bacca was overheard exclaiming as the chaos erupted around him, “We had a strawberry supper planned at the Community Park for this afternoon; this might push that back some.”

Gnerl the Bold, a Visigoth warrior, tax consultant and spokesmen for the Visigoths explains the decision to sack Dutton, a small town situated just south of Highway 401 between London and Chatham, known more for it’s recent amalgamation with Dunwich, it’s “Dutton Old Girl’s Choral Society” and outstanding dairy farming than for it’s ability to incite warlike tendencies in long-extinct European tribes, “We were on those buses for a long time. Barc the Terrible had given each bus some mead and some of his wife’s excellent cabbage rolls and the resultant lower gastro-intestinal stress that many of my brothers had felt had created an atmosphere in the buses that could best be described as, well, pungent. Several fights had broken out amongst the lads and our leader, Varg the Warlike and his right hand man, Tim, decided that we all needed to blow off some steam, as it were. Dutton was the next town. The decision was made.”

The Dutton community hall and the town arena were the first to go up in flames as Town Selectman Brad Socks rescued the Zamboni from the now burning storage shed behind the arena. A few dozen Visigoth warriors were distracted by the neon sign outside the Shell Station and were subdued by a quick thinking Church group returning from an overnight excursion to the Windsor Casino. Alas, time was not on the side of the citizens of Dutton as they were mostly outnumbered by the rampaging Visigoths who were motivated by blood lust and low blood sugar. One by one the houses in town went up in flames as the people inside fled to the only sanctuary they knew; the Tim Horton donut store south of town.

As the Visigoths grouped together in the parking lot of the coffee shop the frightened citizens measured their life expectancy in moments until quick thinking senior citizen Dorothy “Dot” Hyoomp grabbed for the nearest cell phone and dialled the dispatcher of the charter bus company, asking them to reroute the buses to the parking lot outside for a pick-up. As the buses pulled into the parking lot outside the rampaging warriors extinguished their torches and formed a queue to re-embark on their respective buses, seemingly forgetting the task at hand. Storing their weaponry in the luggage compartments of the tour buses the Visigoths seemed satisfied with the day’s events.

“Yeah it was a good day for us,” Gnerl the Bold once more explained, “The lads got some burning done. Good burning today, good burning.” With a roar of diesel engines the buses pulled out of the parking lot and headed back out towards the highway leaving the frightened and somewhat confused citizenry to pick up the pieces and rebuild the community.

“I’m not really sure exactly what the hell happened here today,” Bernie “Saint” Bernard, the proprietor of the Case Farm Equipment dealer commented, “Everyone in Dutton lost their homes today but no one was killed so we’ve got that going for us. Insurance will pick up the tab for the lost property and business so we’ll be just fine. It’s a pity about the Strawberry Supper though; we were all looking forward to that. Someone will pay.”

After a few days the town council held a meeting where it was decided that they Town of Dutton was going to file a lawsuit against several defendants, notably Karlok’s Siege Equipment, The Weather Network and Balnoks’ Charter Bus Service.

Well it's about time!

2008-04-15T20:47:00.003-04:00

So I sat out on my back patio about to take a large sip of grapefruit juice when a small Filipino man jumped over the fence and offered to rotate my tires in exchange for a muffin. Not being a complete fool I jumped at the opportunity as everyone knows that Filipinos are spectacular tire men. No sooner had I gone inside to fetch the muffin when I heard my V8 roar to life and the truck speed out of the driveway and down the street! Well to say I was irritated would be like saying that the Pope has more than a passing interest in all things God related.

So I ran out the front door as the tailgate of my truck disappeared around the corner. Apparently my sense of direction had stayed in the house watching Oprah because I started running in the opposite direction. "How will I ever catch the wayward Filipino," I asked myself as I sprinted through the park, past a small family of raccoons busy preparing for the summer by learning to play the lute and lip synching to Dr Phil. I grew tired quickly as I thoughtlessly had put on my nap sack filled with golfballs before I left the house.

My accountant appeared with a Gatorade and I took it gratefully from her, staying silent as I drank as I don't actually have an accountant, or, have an actual accountant (mine is virtual). I tipped my non-existent hat at the accountant and set off on foot down a narrow foot path that lead through the forest near my home. Now, I live in a city and I don't recall there being a forest anywhere that I've seen but I figured that since an uninvited Filipino had absconded with my wheels the very least I could do would be to explore a heretofore unknown grove of deciduous tree-like growth. Obviously!

A squirrel jumped from an overhead limb and whispered stock-tips in my ear but I shut it down quick as I already had an aardvark stock broker that was on retainer. The squirrel blew a raspberry at me and left me alone. Fair enough, he was no Korean barber. Or a Filipino truck thief either. What the hell was I doing in this forest? I retraced my steps back up through the park, once again tipping my non-existent hat at the beautiful but otherwise worthless accountant who, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to me, or the squirrel, handed me another Gatorade and a guitar pick. Hey, you never know when those will come in handy.

I walked back towards my house and I couldn't help but notice that not only was my truck back in the driveway but my house had been freshly painted! And my kids had grown up and left for college! My key still worked in the door lock but I broke the window anyway and squeezed through the broken glass as sometimes I like putting myself into grave peril for no other reason than "because".

There was a note spray painted onto my fridge from the Filipino, faded with age (the paint, not the Filipino although I understand that people from the south Pacific fade as they move away from the equator) stating that he'd meant no harm when he "borrowed" the truck. He'd merely gone around the block to pick up his sister and drive her to the hospital where she gave birth to a 9 pound, bouncing baby ottoman.

He, his sister and the footrest we're doing fine.

Owls and Their Effects on the Ozone Layer

2007-11-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

1) Everyone remembers the first time they shaved their first cat. The screaming, the hair flying, the scratches; ahh good times. Tim grabbed Fluffy and stalked towards the bathroom, grabbing the clippers as he went. Fluffy stayed strangely calm, either not knowing what cruel fate awaited her or just not caring any more. Fortunately for her Tim fell into an open manhole that wasn't there just a few moments ago. Fluffy escaped unharmed; Tim, on the other hand fractured both femurs and ankles, had a crack in his cranium and a runny nose to boot. Bad day for Tim, good day for Fluffy.

2) Ice cream is good especially with pie. Ice cream on it's own is okay as is pie. But together ice cream and pie are spectacular. Peanut Butter and chocolate are spectacular too, as is cheeze whiz and bologna (baloney to those who don't know Italian) but the best ever is ice cream and pie. That's why I became a monk. For the pie and ice cream.

3) Stream of consciousness time. One long run-on sentence. Here we go. I got nothin.

4) Four.

5) So I'm riding home on the subway when I look across the aisle and see one of my fellow passengers is a blue whale, the largest mammal on the planet. I immediately get curious about several things; how did she get this far inland from the ocean, how did she get onto the subway car and why didn't she finish the ham sandwich she bought from the consierge? I leaned over to try and engage her in conversation but she was having none of it. An upscale blue whale like her wouldn't have anything to do with a blue-collar shlub like me. My stop arrived and I got off. The subway moved off and I never saw her again, but I'd stole her sandwich.

Where have ewe been all my life?

2007-11-16T21:22:00.000-05:00

So, I'm walking home from the bowling alley after a round of ales with the work folk when I bumped into a farmer walking the other way. We admired each others suspenders (mine - stylish and flashy, his - plain and functional) then spontaneously started break-dancing. Several alarmed nuns gave us strange looks as they crossed the street. Nuns, as a rule, don't condone hip hop, trip hop or acid jazz, but, since none of these have any relevance to my little narrative, they dissappeared from view almost as suddenly as they appeared. Four matching accountants strode by and I, bidding my new found tiller-of-the-soil friend adieu, immediately followed. I listened closely to the conversation they were having about the blitzkrieg and its effects on Chilean bean crops (none that I was aware of) and decided that this was as appropriate a time as any to get a haircut.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love a good muffin as much as the next guy but fair is fair; lay off the brylcream! My Korean barber gave me the once-over and pronounced me fit and clean shaven then stole my cell-phone for good measure. Feeling relieved I stepped out into the morning sunshine to be greeted by an ardvark who had some interesting plans for my investment portfolio (ardvarks are renowned throughout the animal kingdom as being good money managers. For that matter most trees, furniture, garden impliments, baking sheets, paint supplies, recycled paper goods, electrical goods and pet supplies use ardvarks for their financial growth.) I listened intently for 3 seconds, gave it my wallet and continued to the mall to buy a new one, as you never know when you'll run into a member of the Tubulidentat family with portfolio tips.

"Saying Grace before a meal is not only a good idea, it's the right idea," said a lobster in the window of "Smiling Glens Ocean Emporium." I considered this advice, dismissed it as merely theological speculation from a crustacean (no habla Espanol, Senior) and caught the next bus to the Saychelles. Wallets grow free and are plentiful in the Saychelles, so it was in my best interest to go there. Besides, the Saychelles Islands brochure said so. Imagine my dissappointment when I got there and saw no wallet bushes anywhere. I did, however, find my fleet of foot farmer friend from the first paragraph. He gave me his wallet saying that as a genuine Communist sheep herder, or shepherd as they like to be called, they did not have any use for wallets, trees, furniture, garden impliments, baking sheets, paint supplies, recycled paper goods, electrical supplies or pet supplies and as I had a sudden and foreboding sense of deja vu (except for two words) I decided to take the wallet and run.

Sheep are an excellent source of currency to a shepherd. Not only is a sheep a source of food, clothing and bartered goods, they are also good travelling companions, excellent debators of 18th Century literature and wicked poker players (anyone who's been left staring at a pot being scooped off the table by a grinning wool factory knows what I'm talking about here!) I figured "enough is never enough" and bought a ticket on the Queen Mary back to Liverpool, where my wife and dog waited. She asked where the milk was and I smacked myself in the forehead with my left shoe, as it was both off and handy. I excused myself, went outside and hurried off to the convenience store. I was distracted by something shiny, in this case the bowling alley and I went in, found the work folk and bought a round of ales for every one.

Major League Eating To Rival Baseball in Popularity

2007-03-18T08:04:00.000-04:00

Boca Raton, Florida

Just in time to trump baseballs' spring training, MacDonald's and Burger King have teamed together with the makers of Maalox and the portable stomach pump and ESPN to bring "Major League Eating" to your home.

Spokesman Jean-Guy Fornicateur said in a statement, "We at Major League Eating are proud to turn what most Americans do of their own free will, mainly overeating into a simulating and spirited competition."

When asked about the possible health side-effects Fornicateur said, "Well when you here about someone showing up at spring training overweight and out of shape it's usually followed by that person's drive to succeed is brought into question whereas in MLE those things identify that individual as a premier competitor." After Fornicateur's short speech a bus showed up at the press conference and Lebron Aneurysm, pictured above, stepped off to wild applause from fans and the media. Aneurysm then gave a demonstration of the kind of action that people will soon be experiencing.

Sitting at a table and donning his protective headgear, Aneurysm was given a large over sized novelty cheeseburger that he demolished in under 30 seconds. A few seconds of stunned and disturbed silence was quickly replaced by admiring applause. Indeed more than one person was overheard to state their willingness to join the league for fame and glory.

Fornicateur then went on to state that although the League will start on a modest budget and travel between cities on the eastern seaboard he anticipates a time when the MLE will span across the country and possibly into Europe and Asia as well, "Italy and Germany offer then kind of food variety that would appeal to most competitors and we know that they have got their own home grown talent grooming for competition. Japan is definitely an option for us as we know their fondness for the bizarre. I can see this being an Olympic event someday."

Other Duties As Required? No, I'll pass thanks.

2006-10-25T20:28:00.000-04:00

So I was browsing through the want-ads the other day, looking at the various postings and job vacancies and reading the "fine print" that most of these ads offer. There is one "need" that seems to crop up again and again. For example; "Forward-thinking kangaroo ranch owner needs a warm body to fill the accounts payable role in this busy 1200 person office. Job outline to include Accounts Payable, some Accounts Receivables, month end reporting, other duties as required."

Curious. Other duties as required can mean anything. Anything from changing the air filters to changing the weights on the scale to scam old people out of their granola. A business can ask you to do anything for them as long as it’s legal (doesn’t involve violating people, animals or plant matter) and not dangerous (setting yourself or anyone else on fire to see if the sprinklers in the office work) and if you know what’s good for you you’ll do it because there are 99 people behind you willing to do it for half the money.

Other duties as required has an almost unpleasant sound to it, like you’d come into work someday to the boss wearing nothing but a diaper and asking you to change him as he’s “made a stinky” or going into the supply closet with the smelly, morbidly overweight mail room clerk for “services” to stop him from squealing your Anbesol habit to the President of the company.

What? Something new? Nah........

2006-09-27T18:26:00.000-04:00

As a result of several months inactivity coupled with a major lifestyle change, I Miloj Gack bring you the latest in cynicism and sarcasm.

President George Bush claims that the ongoing was in Iraq hasn’t made it easier for terrorist organizations to recruit new members. No, what’s made it easier for terrorist organizations to recruit new members is the promise of water skiing lessons and all the Cheese Whiz they can eat. Osama Bin Laden is rumored to have died of Typhoid or Bronchitis or Mumps or Consumption or Halitosis or something. Anything. Please. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has promised free elections for everyone as long as they can play a wind instrument or tap dance.

Locally, Toronto City Council decided that it would be a “good idea” that they “look into” raw sewage being dumped into Taylor Creek in the city’s east end. Personally I think Toronto City Council be dumped into Taylor Creek to study the situation closely. Canadian airlines have decided that it’s okay to bring small containers of benign liquids onto airplanes again, as long as they were bought after the security checkpoints and as long as they were no bigger than 90mL and in a resealable bag no bigger than 1L in capacity and as long as it was packed by an Icelandic person or someone of Icelandic origin with a first name that contained no more than 6 letters, preferably someone named Gary or Ben.

Toronto Maple Leaf stalwart goal scoring genius, Unibrow Incorporated spokesman and general all-round good-guy Tie Domi caught with his pants down and his John Thomas “At Attention” with political reliability poster girl Belinda Stronach, Domi’s estranged wife Leanne is claiming that the marriage was abusive and wants a great deal of money to help extinguish the angst. Funny how large sums of cash alleviate the need for therapy.

And that’s all I got for now.

This Just In, Again.

2006-05-24T08:23:00.000-04:00

Belgrade, Yugoslavia

Local writers, tour operators and shipping magnates Slobodan and Miloj Gack were found unconscious in their stylish downtown condominiums late last week. Initial reports concluded that they had overdosed on cane toad toxins but further investigation revealed a tangled web of misdirection, lies and legumes focused around this mysterious pair.

Police spokesman Cyril Posthumus states "These men are known in the intelligence community as not actually having anything to do with the intelligence community. Having said that I can state with no degree of accuracy that I wear pants, I have worn pants and I plan to wear pants later."

As they regained consciousness Miloj let slip that he had been in negotiation with noted author Dan Brown about a sequel to his “Da Vinci Code” book tentatively titled “Every Other Religion Besides Christianity is for Chumps”. When pressed, Slobodan confirmed this statement with a confused comment about lima beans.

“That book is da bomb, boyyyy. When my otter gets back from the park those lima beans won’t know what him them. They.” He then lapsed back into a toad-induced coma.

Police are still investigating.

Premature Deaths

2006-05-01T17:21:00.000-04:00

Despite numerous reports and dozens upon dozens of photographs, it appears that rock guitar legend Keith Richards has not passed on. Claiming a recent story about falling from a coconut tree was indeed true, a man purporting to be Mr. Richards (seen here in 1976 and 1999) denied all previous allegations pertaining to his death. All of the drug overdoses, car crashes, ex-wives and other previous causes of "deaths" apparently have made him stronger. (He does admit though that the 7 previous falls from coconut trees did take their toll)
In 1943, despite the setback of having been born an infant, he was nonetheless able to recover and managed to grow into a noted musician with his 1988 release, Talk is Cheap. He also sang backup for a another band prior to 1988, known as the Rolling Stones.

He is not survived by his wife or kids and he has seen two species of cockroach go extinct since 1970.

Harmony on the Road

2006-05-01T10:11:00.000-04:00

City officials in Los Angeles, CA are toying with the idea of making everyone accessible to each other by dialing a persons’ license plate number. Using your cell phone, you key in a license plate number and press “dial” of “send” and it will automatically connect you to the driver of your choice through their cell phone.

“We hope that this ability will foster a feeling of well-being by being personally connected to everyone else. You can share information about local restaurants, scenic drives in your locale, favorite shopping spots etc. If someone is driving particularly well you can call and compliment them. If someone is driving somewhat carelessly you can suggest ways by which they can improve; it's all good.” If this works well, the Federal Government plans on expanding the project to include New York, Boston, Seattle, Las Vegas and Miami.

Police are bracing for the expected surge in vehicular homicides.

Cuban Scientists Accidentally Create Water

2006-04-18T07:49:00.000-04:00

A team of scientists working at the University of Cuba has stumbled upon the chemical composition of water. A Sodium/Chlorine chemical nerve-gas defoliant experiment spiraled completely out of control in much the same manner of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor accident. As the casualties were being removed from the wreckage of the laboritory, located 16 scenic date palm lined kilometers from the Cuban capital of Havana, officials were quick to spot the tell tale signs of water.

As the process for combining uranium and chlorine began in the lab under strict environmental controls two of the scientists began quarreling over which elements on the periodic table were “sexier.” Jorge “Cliff” Ongalez-Ramirez claiming that helium was a better “high” and allowed for “funnier voices” while Jorge “George” Ramirez-Ongalez tried to shout him down. As the fists started to fly the lab became extremely unstable as the sodium-chlorine gas began eating away at the supporting columns. Soon the whole structure collapsed and the gas ignited. The resulting explosion could be heard as far away as Miami.

Cuban emergency services responded rapidly and were on the scene within hours. Elements of at least 5 different fire departments arrived during a tropical rainstorm and couldn’t understand how the fire kept getting worse as more rain fell. (Note: sodium and rain don’t mix.)

Authorities began evacuating people from the immediate area while still other firefighters arrived on the scene. As they did their thing to the fire it got worse and more explosions rocked the area. Eventually the entire laboratory vanished in a violent explosion that Vigdis Augustdottir heard on her farm near Reykjavik, Iceland.

“Yes. I heard it. It was like thunder from a long way away. Like Cuba maybe.”

Officials were able to approach as the toxic cloud dissipated and a large crater filled with water was revealed. Cuban officials concluded that the experiment “went wrong” somehow but that pure potable water remained. They are now trying to recreate the experiment in order to get fresh water to some of the poorer sections of Cuba’s population but torrential rains have delayed attempts.

Doc’s Find Source for “Disaffected Youth”

2006-04-04T16:08:00.000-04:00

A 10 year study by doctors from several medical schools across North America concluded that the current generation of disaffected youth can trace the source of their disaffection to listening to extremely loud, poorly written music, driving import sub-compacts, specifically six year old plus Honda Civics and wearing hats that are “too small for their heads.”

“We’ve determined that a disproportionate amount of youth, specifically males between the ages of 16 and 28, drive older Honda Civic hatchbacks that have been modified with resonators to be louder. They then need to install sub-woofers inside the rear portion of these hatchbacks in order to generate sub-sonic sound waves to drown out the sound of the resonators. Unfortunately the sub-sonic subwoofer waves cause the size of the cranium to increase while creating a liquid harmonic in the brain fluid contained within their disproportionately large skulls and they require a skull containment unit, usually in the form of a baseball cap.”

Traveling around most population centers can easily reveal many of these male hominids. Studies also reveal that they have an “egocentric personality” and often display “aggressive tendencies coupled with sub-par intelligence, a potentially lethal combination.”

“These individuals tend to listen to rap because the songs within this musical genre have sub-sonic bass lines hidden within them specifically for resonator frequency control. It offers nothing musically.” Sources close to the automaker Honda confirm that there is a covert agreement between Honda and Sony Music Corp.

There is a correlation between the aggressive tendencies and how many stickers and decals adorn the vehicles. “The most popular sticker on these vehicles is the Tasmanian Devil holding Bugs Bunny’s severed bloody head. Second to that is the image of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes urinating on a different auto manufacturers logo. The latter one appears on trucks more often than not.”

As these male hominids get older the aggression tends to peak at age 23 then start building towards a more “respectful behavior and heightened responsibility”. By age 28 this behavior modification is all but gone and these individuals can be “trusted with limited tasks.” Once age 30 is reached a normal life can be achieved, depending of course on the level of contamination of the individual.

The only negative aspect of this transformation is the tendency for the car to be passed on to another pubescent male with the same predictable negative transformation taking place.

New iPods on the way!

2006-04-02T21:23:00.000-04:00

Apple is poised to release on Monday a new 6th generation iPod, or 6G. Built to please everyone from hunters to environmentalists, the unit will have every conceivable extra that the rumour sites have been predicting.

A 60" holographic screen will be the most obvious change as it replaces the 5G iPod's 2.5" version. High Definition TV, DVR and 80 petabyte flash storage appears to have made Blu-Ray and DVD-HD obsolete before the players even hit the market. It comes standard with all movies ever released (except for the ones that Ted Turner colourized) and every song currently available from iTunes. (no Beatles yet) 21 speakers are also standard as the unit will sport 20.1 surround sound. Gone is the venerable click wheel and in its place is a new mind control unit. This is actually a two-way device- it can operate the iPod's controls through user thought as well as control the operators basic bodily functions, such as the liver and gastrointestinal tract. It cures irritable bowel syndrome and also frees diabetics from constant blood tests as it can automatically monitor and maintain blood sugar levels. In an emergency, it can inject a Mars bar directly into the bloodstream.

The unit is powered by a perpetual motion machine (PMM) that Apple designed in the late 70's but never found a suitable use for. It weighs a mere 3 ounces and will power the iPod for a guaranteed 100 years. In a nice twist, plugging the iPod into a wall socket will power your house. A firmware update next month is expected to activate unannounced hidden features such as an oxygen generator to go with submarine function. Jet pack and outboard motors are expected from third party vendors and these will attach via the universal dock connector. General Motors, Ford, Toyota, Daimler Benz have all bowed out of the automobile business as they don't expect to be able to compete with the new iPod with its hot 2 door convertible good looks. 645 horsepower and no need for gas with the PMM.

Included in the box is a pair of implantable Bluetooth ear buds, (surgery included at the Apple Store) a leatherette case, Firewire cable and 3D Bluetooth goggles. Available in Tan, off-mauve or burnt orange. Prices are unchanged from the 5G models.

Available for shipping on April 10th, it is expected to be obsolete by May when the 7G ships.

Traffic Jams All Part of Sinister Master Plan – Investigative Journalism 102

2006-03-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

A spokesperson for the “Look For Conspiracies Everywhere Organization” (LFCEO) has confirmed speculation about the cause of traffic jams on Ontario’s 400-series highways yesterday in a news conference at “Bob’s Slug & Jug” tavern on Bloor Street West (“Home of the 428 oz Draught!”) in Toronto.

“Months of investigation involving the Ministry of Transportation, the major auto makers and their parts suppliers and the petroleum industry have revealed some stunning information. There has been a vast web of deceit and lies concerning the origin of the ongoing traffic problems on major highways in Ontario. Apparently it all boils down to one man; Gary “Buck” Sabic Jr, aged 43.”

When contacted, Mr. Sabic could only offer “No comment”.

Reviewing accident and congestion data from M.T.O. cameras situated on Highways 400, 401, 403, 404, 407, 409, 410 and 427 over a period of 18 months revealed a dirty white Toyota Corolla hatchback approximately 15 years old, rust holes over the right rear fender and red sheathing tape replacing the right rear tail light. When covert LFCEO operatives trailed Mr. Sabic on his travels it was revealed that “Mr. Sabic drives slowly in the left lane, frequently brakes for no discernable reason, talks on his cell phone while changing lanes and not using his turn indicator and other disruptive acts.”

When police raided Mr. Sabics’ house in Richmond Hill it was discovered that he had been “living beyond his means.” For a “between assignments” street-sweeping machine mechanic he had a 4000 square foot house on a quiet court. He, his wife and 4 kids had a lavish lifestyle. Forensic audits of his finances revealed a series of cheques from General Motors, Ford, Chrysler, Toyota, Imperial Oil, Sun Oil Company, British Petroleum, Shell Oil Company and literally dozens of parts manufacturers. Most cheques were valued between $5000 and $25000 each but a few were valued at over $100000. The memo field on almost all of these was marked “for services rendered in the cause.”

Further investigation into Sabic turned up evidence that he had been working covertly for the aforementioned companies in a “1 man wave of vehicular terror.” Given his close proximity to highway 407, Sabic was able to gain access to 407, 400, 401, 404 and 409 and drive a “circuit of terror.” He would head westbound on 407, south on 400 to westbound 401, up the 409 to 427, down the 427 to the Gardiner Expressway. Depending on his mood he would either swing west down the QEW or east along the Gardiner to the Don Valley Parkway/404 combination. He would go north on this or the 403 to the 401 and complete the circuit. Depending on when he woke up and “had his morning constitutional” he could do this circuit between 3 and 5 times a day, with frequent stops for donuts.

“Highway 401 in the GTAA has been renowned the world over as “asinine” for decades and Mr. Sabic is the cause, pure and simple. His driving tactics cause over-usage of gas, faster wear on brake pads and rotors, more money for collision repair companies and faster turn-around times for new car buyers. By generating this income for those companies he has been able to live very comfortably. Cousin Vince Sabic is being investigated for traffic congestion in the Ottawa area (Hwy 417) as is Bjorn Sabic similarly in St Catherines (Hwy 406).”

Mr. Sabic has been charged with “Felony Conspiracy-Cause Driving” and “Unlawful Use of Hand Gestures While Driving”.

2006-03-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

Mars May Contain Rocks! – Investigative Journalism 101

2006-03-21T19:33:00.000-05:00

After years and millions of dollars of research covert NASA operatives have come to the conclusion that Mars, planet 4 in our solar system, may actually contain rocks. Initial NASA findings after the Mars Lander touched down on the red planet suggested that the planet was entire constructed out of metal, composites and “space-aged” plastics in an almost organized and exact layout but forensic analysis by stalwart grad-students, skeptics and nay-sayers revealed a seemingly random scattering of rock and other inorganic natural material.

Gordon Clancy, a post-graduate student at Barnard College for Women stirred the pot last week when he theorized that Mars may have been visited by stellar travelers with huge spaceships made out of rocks and those “ships crashed, and shit like that. And they, like, scattered their rock-parts all over when they, like, blew up and shit. And then their buddies in rock ships came to rescue them and they crashed and then more rock-ships came and crashed and oh man!” He was then restrained.

NASA officials were quick to silence these theories. Astrophysics guy Bernard Saint was quoted as saying, “What? Rock-ships? No. We’re quite sure that the planet is a giant geodesic dome made by some greater being or race of planet building titans. Any other idea is ludicrous. There are no rocks on Mars. Period. And shit.”

Ex-Russian cosmonaut Yuri Demlananovakovski was quoted in Popular Scientists as quoting “I drove an armored personnel carrier into Hungary in 1956 and a tank into Czechoslovakia in 1968. There were no rocks in those places. What makes you think there are rocks on Mars?” He was then sedated.

This reporter made the trip to a back alley telescope shop to visit a shadowy group of amateur astronomers calling themselves “Shadowy Amateur Astronomers” but was turned away when I found out they had made the trek to my house and were waiting in the driveway. A quick check revealed that these people were a waste of my time and I asked them to leave but not before replacing the coffee-maker one of them had not so covertly stolen.

This reporter then traveled to Houston after this reporter received an email telling how to extend the length of this reporters’ penis. On the way I ran into an ex-NASA “scientist” at a “Strip-o-Rama” just outside of “Nashville” and after a few Zombies and good-times he revealed to me that NASA had been hiding the true nature of the “Red Planet”. He borrowed $20 from me for “Smokes” and then informed me that there was a time 8 to 15 months after the initial Mars Lander “Landing” when questions arose as to the true nature of Mars (and this reporters reputed “over-use” of “quotation marks”.) Close ups of several seemingly random trapezoidal structures revealed a rough, textured surface with pieces broken off and scattered nearby, almost as though the structure was really natural, weathered and wind-battered. The man then removed an envelope from his natural, weathered and wind-battered golf jacket, handed it (the envelope, not the golf jacket) to me then passed out. He was then robbed by some youths as I cowered behind a car. I waited until the youths left the scene then opened the envelope. A match book with “If you can draw this turtle you could have a career as an artist!” written on the inside cover. I questioned the sanity of using a large manila envelope to carry a match book then continued on to Houston.

NASA officials granted this reporter an interview where it was revealed to this reporter that the man I had gotten the matchbook from was not an ex-NASA scientist but in fact “the weird guy who used to push the snack cart around.” An official with the PR department of NASA revealed “We at NASA try to dig deep into the vast array of data that our probes send back to us every second of every minute of every hour of every day of…..” This reporter interrupted him and scolded him for being overly dramatic and he launched back with “Someone who refers to himself as this reporter has no business scolding me for anything!” He continued on after this reporter apologized.

“Our probes have revealed many fantastic things about our solar system. Things that would have gone unknown forever if it wasn’t for our complete waste of taxpayer’s money. For example, did you know that there are approximately two Tim Horton’s doughnut franchises for 10 square kilometers in Southern Ontario? Also, Paris Hilton likes sunbathing topless on the roof of her Manhattan condo? Amazing stuff!”

I left his office with a much clearer understanding of how these things work. On my way back home from Houston I hypothesized about the Red Planet (or Le Grande Roc Rouge as it is known at the bowling alley) and how it might actually be made entirely of rock. And that rock might have been shaped by millions of years of solar winds, passing celestial bodies and the mighty gravitational pull of Sol, our sun. How it was unlikely that it was metal, composites, space aged plastic or Lego ™ for that matter. How Mars was a beautiful, mysterious and wonderful embodiment of all that the universe had to offer if we just went out and looked. But then the peyote wore off and I threw up.

The War of 2012!

2006-03-21T07:47:00.000-05:00

March 18th, WASHINGTON - In a shocking turn of events, the United States of America have confirmed that they will tear up the Treaty of Ghent that ended the War of 1812, signed late in 1814. The impetus for such an about face with regard to Upper Canadian/American relations is unclear, but the revelation was confirmed late Thursday by the White House.
US Secretary of State Biff Hooper issued a brief statement Tuesday afternoon from the White House press room but refused to respond to questions from the gallery, saying only "we'll have more for you soon". He muttered something about "damn redcoats" but wouldn't elaborate when pressed.

The Yanks have apparently begun exploring other war options in preparation for the eventual end of the Iraqi conflict, and with Cuba and Madagascar gearing up to take the lead on Iran, the US seems intent on finding another conflict now rather than missing out on the chance to dance with Upper Canada later.
The timing may pay dividends domestically, as Upper Canada has been strutting about on a trade dispute winning streak of late. Subsidized American industries who have noticed this NAFTA failure are not happy and this may strike a chord with them.

Upper Canada has not shied from the challenge, and appear ready to receive the US with closed fists.

MARCH 19th, WASHINGTON - A late announcement from the US has confirmed War was officially pre-declared earlier today by the United States of America on the English settlements in North America, known as Upper Canada. Hostilities are to commence in June 2012, to coincide with the 200th anniversary of the beginning of the War of 1812.
UPDATE: Refreshments and muffins will be available at the opening ceremonies.

March 19th, OTTAWA - In an effort to drum up support north of the 49th parallel , Upper Canada has been banging the drums with some provocative moves in preparation for the war 6 years from now. Warming to this yonder challenge from the south, the feisty Upper Canadian ambassador to the USA, Sir Jocko Thomas, has offered up some incentives to rekindle the feelings of 1812-1814.
First, Sir Thomas has offered to burn down and loot our own city of Toronto (York) if the US will agree to burn down the White House again. Evening up the score for Upper Canada will be our repossession of Fort Niagara at Lake Erie. Thomas was apparently able to easily convince his American counterpart that we were just going to take it again anyway so to give it up now would save us all some time and the irritation of a siege.

Secondly, sensing a future weakness in the American military from years of war in Iraq, he was able to finagle an agreement to fight only with .22's and deer rifles and any sticks that may be available. The American capitulation was surprising, and this appears to have been a real coup on Sir Thomas' part. By halting our softwood lumber exports in 2010, we'll have a fort-load of sticks ready for the war effort. Good work Jocko!

Thirdly, Mr. Thomas was able to whip up anti-American sentiment amongst the Six Nations. Payment to the native Upper Canadians for their support will consist of six barrels of Hudson Bay Company point blankets, forty four cases of Newfie Screech, 18 months exclusive trapping rights at the mouth of the Humber River, a $100 Blockbuster video rental credit (taxes in), and "all territories draining into Hudson and James Bays". We also have to babysit for Graham Greene on 7 days of his choosing as long as we get two nights advance warning. A rock-solid treaty has already been signed.

March 20th, LONDON - Stirred by the glacially imminent fight with the USA, England has gently but firmly rolled their support behind Upper Canada for the war in the new world. Anticipating a lull in conflicts after Iraq winds down, and feeling just a little bit guilty about those subs they sold us, they have agreed to send troops and sticks starting the third week of April, 2012. They have assured us that they'll stay as long as necessary or until late 2014 - whichever is first.
UPDATE: They have also increased the service contract on labour (but not parts) for the subs for 2 more years providing we don't take them out in anger or rough seas.

March 20th, WASHINGTON - The American President has asked congress for and has received more time before submitting to the burning of the White House. While not mandated for burning until August 2014, six weeks have been allotted for him to find his Roger Clemons rookie card first. As a concession to upper Canada for delay, Ronnie Hawkins will be sent home immediately following his gig at the Kee to Bala next week.

March 21st, COTTAGE COUNTRY - With Upper Canada at risk several years from now, local fishing guide/outfitter Fred Binge has offered to double the size of the UC Navy surface fleet by 2010. His uncle Jimmy passed on last year and left him 3 old fishing boats that "were just gonna rot anyway". He has generously offered the boats free of charge to the war effort. He figures "if someone will pick up the tab for new seats from Upper Canadian Tire, we'll have three good runners to repel those Yanks with". We'll need more spirit like that from people like Freddy Binge if we're going to win this thing.

March 21st, QUEBEC CITY - Upper Canadian Prime Minister Julius Bort announced support from up along the St. Lawrence today from Lower Canada.
Local officials have agreed to hold suspicious looking Asian-Upper Canadians in the Quebec City Citadel beginning December 2011. Mr. Bort was clearly baffled by the offer but figured it'd keep the French out his hair until we beat back the Yanks in 2015. Ummm........... keep up the good work eh?

March 21st, TORONTO (YORK) - A tactical deception has been hatched today in York. After the US burns the White House again, we will renege on our deal to burn and loot York. Instead, we'll change a few street signs and move the lake to the north side of Lake Shore Boulevard to disguise ourselves as Chicago. This is expected to succeed, as most Americans can hardly remember their visits to York because they've always been whaled from the Caribana parade.
Plan B would be to wait until July to renege and disguise ourselves as Jamaica.

March 21st, - The following organizations today have lent there support to the war at home, half a dozen years from now:

• Starting in the summer of 2012 a school west of York has offered lodging to any militia needing an overnight stay. Blankets and warm soup will be available at General Brock High School in Burlington and guests will get an 8 foot blue mat to cushion themselves from the gymnasium floor.
• Half price Rum & Raison ice cream cups or cones will be available to all militia at participating Laura Secord shops. Alternatively, 2 for 1 is also available. Or a half-cup or cone for a quarter of the price. As always, samples are free:)
• In an effort to bolster patriotism, Kingston has agreed to stop whining about losing the capital to York for the duration of the war.
• The City of Toronto Works Department has agreed to tear down the Gardiner Expressway and dig up and take away a few hundred yards of landfill south of Fort York. This is to make the harbour close enough to strike by cannonball by March 2012. They will start tomorrow at rush hour.
• Stoney Creek Dairy has offered free second scoops for all militia or people who can produce a good fighting stick. Starts 2011.
• Walmart & Home Depot have teamed up to provide support for whoever they think is going to win. Decision is expected by summer 0f 2014.
• Paris has offered artisans to spruce up the "French Castle" at Fort Niagara to authentic 1700's standards as soon as the Americans vacate it.

March 21st, WASHINGTON - More details have been revealed about the US position for the achingly impending war with Upper Canada.
In his appeal to congress today for funding for the war, the president revealed that America had massed troops for the 1ooth anniversary of the 1812 war, but their thunder was stolen by sympathy for the sinking of the Titanic, just two months before. By coming out six years in advance this century around, they hope to preempt any such similar disaster by forcing cruise lines to be more careful once 2012 rolls around. While not completely blaming the White Star Line for the last fiasco, he requested funds to heat the ocean up by 7 degrees to help melt icebergs.

RELATED NOTES - Jim Carrey has been expelled from Los Angeles. Canada immediately rerouted his plane to France where he will room with Jerry Lewis before he gets his own place.

Stay tuned to this space for breaking news on the war. Remember, complacency can set in when you've got 2281 days to go before hostilities - don't let it happen to you!

Creeping Malaysia

2006-03-20T14:05:00.002-05:00

The Malaysian Forestry Department has offered to allow people into the protected Endau Rompin park to search for the Malaysian version of Bigfoot (or “le pied grand” as it is known in France.) Not surprisingly, there have been no takers. The Malaysian people are known the world over as short, scared people who would just as soon stay indoors watching television than plunge into the boreal forests of Malaysia looking for a gigantic creature that may or may not rend them limb from limb.

Boon Hocklington, a crypto-biologist from MIT, states the Malaysian Forestry Departments obsession with Bigfoot (or “der grosse Fuß” as it is known in Germany) has surged recently as “they have run out of other creatures to be obsessed about. In the early 60’s, some drunk Malay in a dugout canoe thought he saw a sea-serpent and the next day the Malaysian Coast Guard was offering free machetes and Coca Cola for people to go find one. In 1979 an accountant from Kuala Lampur thought he witnessed Howard Hughes hooking up with a prostitute and the next day the local constabulary were all walking around in Tyvek suits with Kleenex boxes on their feet.”

Interest was ignited last fall when fish-farm workers reported seeing three giant human-like creatures and one giant footprint in the park. Park officials responded to the site, but found no evidence of any such creature. But, then, more sightings were reported by native villagers. When Forestry officials arrived on scene they again found no evidence but did find a lot of native villagers snickering. Malaysian officials are now starting to think that maybe Bigfoot (or “el pie grande” in Spanish) maybe nothing more than the sarcastic musings of people with mind altering drugs and too much free time.

She Was Gorgeous

2006-03-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

She was gorgeous; anyone could see that. The way her tight, satin dress clung to her curves, the way her lips pouted when she wasn't talking, the way the waiters kept slipping in pools of drool collecting around her table as she tried to eat. The manager of Chez Fromage, a fashionable dining spot in the heart of downtown Budapest tried to approach the woman but was stopped in his tracks as she languidly stretched like a cat in her chair while the Captain of an passing airliner distractedly steered his Airbus into a nearby casino.

The manager gave his head a shake, checked to make sure his tie was hanging equidistant between his left and right shoulder and made his move. The vision before him was everything that everyman could and would desire. Indeed there were several men totally ignoring the females they had came into Chez Fromage with, the aforementioned females reaching for the Glock sandwiched between the rouge container and the Tic Tacs in their handbags. The manager approached the woman before him but before he could speak he slipped on a puddle and crashed to the floor, reaching for a floor lamp, missing but managing to jam his finger between the safe rubber cord end and the not-so-safe source for electrical power. His molars, suddenly free of their earthly home catapulted out the open window, past the now flaming casino, 2km's through
warm, humid air of Budapest and into the almost empty water dish of a cat named Freckles, owned by Enid and Oleg Podzeg.

The vision in the satin dress stood suddenly, smoothed out her dress and said "I hate when this happens." She was then arrested for 837 unpaid mattress tag violations.

Internet Crime Costs Us All

2006-03-17T21:46:00.000-05:00

- So says local man, Joseph King. "It's getting so that no one is immune from the costs related to online piracy anymore". He continues, "I mean, just about everyone I know is doing something questionable on the web these days. My own mother has downloaded songs and that makes her a pirate in the eyes of the court".

Joe is not alone in his assessment. Guys at the local pub also agree that it's getting harder to escape the these costs.
"Just take your average pirate" pipes up barfly Norm (or Gord - I can never remember) - "he's likely got several thousand dollars tied up in computer equipment alone. Add to that the diminishing social life and monthly internet access charges and you've got substantial fees in maintaining the lifestyle. Ever download a virus? Don't get me started". Norm (or Gord) seems agitated by the topic and bolts to the head.

"Something needs to be done, and soon", says Edward Ibble. Mr. Ibble was stealing air from other peoples tires outside the bar at the time because his own air was bent and his wheels were making funny sounds on the highway. He couldn't afford his own air because of rising piracy costs. Another needless victim?

"The answer may lie in abolishing copyright laws for music and video" says Toronto area professor Jackie Hu. "The need for all this expensive digital rights management (DRM) would disappear and this will take us in a direction where costs can fall, because just ripping music from a buddy's iPod will be easy and also keep you in new tunes for months at a time". "Less time on the internet and more time at bars is preferable to everyone" believes Dr. Hu. "It just makes sense". He should know, I've seen him here drinking every night and he looks pretty happy.

However, there are dissenters out there. George and I were taking a whiz on the wall beside Ed Ibble as the latter swiped his 2-O. "I don't need no internet fees and computers to steal someone else's property", he says. "Why pay all that money AND be accused of being a crook? My buddy works at a record shop and he just makes me these DVD's with tunes ripped from the store CD's after hours. They sell blank discs there and my buddy does all the work - no cost to me at all". (The store DVD's were "comped" it appears) "This internet crime bullshit is just for people with no magination [sic] . People who pay for tunes are morons" insists peeing George.
He adds softly that, unfortunately, these discs do not work in his car or his older style DVD player, just the one at his dad's cottage.

Having your friends do the work also strikes a chord with bartender Phillip Meaghan. "George is always in here bragging about his new DVD full of tunes and how they didn't cost him a thing. If he has found a way, why can't the rest of us?" He goes on without prompting, "I got a fancy new computer 6 months ago and it cost me 3 large. 350 songs later and those songs cost me over 8 BUCKS each! Does that make sense? iTunes is cheaper than that!" Phil Meaghan is on a roll now - "We're all feeling the pinch of piracy - cut the interweb thing out all together and get your tunes and movies from the guy at a record store. This'll give you another night at the bar every month practically for free."

Phil is probably right, and though he works at the bar you'll spend that 60 bucks at, I tend to believe him because he doesn't own the bar and that $60 don't do shit for him. (3-4 dollars in tips does not formulate a biased opinion* in this reporters eyes)

Heroics of individuals like George and his pal aside, piracy appears likey to stay.
SloboGack

*Biased opinions are available. Simple half-truths start at $10 and out and out lies are $50 and up.

What's Gnu?

2006-03-17T10:30:00.000-05:00

In an effort to beguile the growing crocodile population, several African governments have banned the use of the word "wildebeest". These animals will now be required by law to be described as Brindled Gnus. Crocodiles in the next few months will see only these Brindled Gnus on the riverbank and will let them pass while waiting for the familiar and tasty Blue Wildebeest.
The theory is that while most crocs will likely be aware of the change soon enough, (crocs talk) some of the dumber ones won't catch on and we'll achieve a bit of a"literary cull" of the stupider crocs. A potential weakness has been exposed in the idea in that there are also cranium-challenged Gnus who may forget to change their name tags.
This summer could be the first ever where we have stupid crocodiles eating only stupid wildebeest. Conversely, we'll also have smart crocs eating only smart(er) Gnus.
Let the games begin.

An Apology - Miloj Regains Control.

2006-03-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

To all of our fans, customers and parole officers I offer this humble apology. I did not mean to attempt to destroy that shelf and I apologize profusely for any harm I caused it or it's immediate family and friends.

Workplace stress can add up to a level that becomes intolerable and I have been working on several package tours for Cambodia and Azerbijan respectively and the red-tape for procuring firearms in these countries is completely staggering and the only outlet I had was the shelf, or Slobodan.

Slobodan is bigger than me so the shelf lost.

Humble apologies from a humble travel agent.

Sincerely,

Miloj Gack

Anger in the workplace - Miloj loses control.

2006-03-16T13:32:00.000-05:00

In a lightning display of plastic shelving-clip mastery, Miloj this afternoon lost his cool and in the process destroyed a middle-quality shelving unit located under his workstation.

Chilly heads eventually prevailed and with a great effort (and 49 seconds) the situation was remedied.

More Accolades!

2006-03-16T12:14:00.000-05:00

I'd not have thought you could squeeze an 18 country European tour into 5 nights and 8 days! Clearly, Slobo and Miloj have the gift of cramming. - Josh the Gimp.

Those ferrets were delicious! Well done! - Honey Harbour.

Our First Attempt With Capitalism!

2006-03-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

For all of your travel needs, call Miloj or Slobodan Gack at 1-800-Kill-Lemurs and we'll book it! Just read some of the following testamonials:

"My wife and I hadn't had a vacation since 1968. We called the Gacks and they booked us on an all-inclusive boat tour of the Polyarnyi Inlet near Murmansk. We will never vacation again." - Frank and Paula Spore.

"Is this the right number for the free Jerry Vale tickets?" - Unknown

"Their vacation package to Cuba to visit the sugar cane fields rocks! I got to see a very small part of Cuba and lost 27 pounds!" - Melnor Q Ratts, computer programmer.

" I can't believe they charge $3700.00 per day for "Maid Of The Mist" tickets." - Reverend Jerry Walnut, computer programmer.